


Boys Will Be...

by Didodikali



Category: Tenkuu no Escaflowne | The Vision of Escaflowne
Genre: Childhood Friends, F/M, Fanart, Illustrated, M/M, Sister-Sister Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-24
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2017-11-14 23:21:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/520566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Didodikali/pseuds/Didodikali
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Well, eventually, assuming they survive, boys will be men. But meanwhile, how much trouble can Allen and Dryden get up to in a palace full of girls. An illustrated Esca prequel set six years before the TV series, written way back in 2002.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No shit, there we were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Non-con and sexual abuse alluded to.

 

**No shit, there we were.**  
Philios: Friendship, The First Love.

It was the last bout of the day. The bell rang, then there was complete silence. The wind threw the dust from the arena into our faces. No one coughed, no one breathed.

The two opponents approached each other, bowed to us in the Royal Balcony, bowed to each other. They stared at each other for a long time. Then their swords clashed, once, twice and then one blade went flying and landed in the dirt. The audience rose as one with thunderous applause.

It was the most exciting tournament I had ever seen and I'd been required to spectate at rather a lot of them. Even Millerna had been enthralled, but, as we discovered at the truly magnificent conclusion, for the wrong reasons. She climbed up onto her chair and yelled, "The little blonde girl won! Yeeeeeeeesss! Yippee! Yippee!"

 

"That's a boy, dear," I said. I grabbed a handful of Millerna's frilly dress so she wouldn't fall over the rail and I looked back down into the arena, at the top of the soon-to-be Caeli's yellow head. As he kneeled to be knighted he weaved a little. He put his hand into the dirt to steady himself and then rose to his feet. He looked exhausted, or maybe he was in shock.

"...Oh. ...Are you _sure_?" My little sister didn't sound convinced.

"Yes. They announced his name. Allen Schezar."

"Awwwww," she said and sat back down.

"Sorry, Millerna. He's just a very, very pretty boy."

Marlene, on the other side of Millerna, sighed. "He sure is, " she said.

I stared at my older sister. Uh-oh. Not _again_!

 

I think hundreds of people shook my hand before I managed to slip away. My cheeks felt numb from holding a smile, my legs felt rubbery, most of the rest of me was just plain sore, but my hands really, really hurt.

I tried to relax my hands, but when I forced myself to unclench them, the cracks and blisters on my palms and fingers opened and bled through the dirt. Eeew. I allowed them to slip back into their comfortable and familiar sword-holding shape.  
 _I should wear gloves._

I walked aimlessly through the palace complex, always choosing whichever route had the least amount of people. Maybe I could find someplace to be alone... but I wasn't so lucky. I walked down a dim alley between some big stone buildings, rounded a corner, ran smack into someone and knocked him ass over teakettle. Oops. Shit. And oops again. Balgus doesn't much care for battlefield invective. _Think pure thoughts. Right..._

"Sorry," I said and extended a sticky hand to the brown-haired boy sitting on the pavement before me. He took my hand and I pulled him up. He was a bit taller than me, and rather skinnier, with a pleasant smile.

He looked me over too, from my dust-covered tunic, to the scuffed sword at my side. "Hi. Were you in the tournament?"

_Unbelievable. I've run into the only person in the whole palace complex who wasn't watching today._ "I won," I said. "I'm a Caeli." _Shit. Why did I tell him? Please don't shake my hand. It hurts._

He didn't shake my hand, probably because I'd hidden it behind my back. "You _won_?" he said. "You won the whole day? Wow! Congratulations. You must have really wanted it!"

"Not really," I said before I could stop myself.

"...Oh, man! Hard luck, buddy. How old are you? Fourteen?"

"Age isn't a factor. They award it based on merit. ...I'm fifteen."

"That's not very fair. You don't really _have_ to accept it, do you?"

"Yes. I already did. I need the money. Family debts." _My family estate, my mother's doctor bills, an airship, a guymelef, lands and servants, and all of it traditionally entailed, unsellable. Born to it, I must pay._

"Oh. Well... Uh...Well, maybe you'll like being a Caeli knight?"

I couldn't think of anything to say to that. I just looked at him.

"Uh....... You want a beer? You wanna go steal a couple from the refectory?" he asked.

"I don't drink."

The brown-haired boy grinned at me mischievously. "You do now," he said.

"I don't steal." ... _Anymore. I'm an honourable Caeli knight now!  
I'm not a bandit. No, really! I'm not! Really!_

He shrugged. "Well, I'll do that part. ...You've gone all white. I suppose you don't eat, either. Did you have lunch today?"

"I don't remember." _Which was a lie. The memories always come back after I have to fight, or whenever I'm too tired to push the memories away. Whenever I shut my eyes_... _Fighting at Balgus's side, hundreds of people dying at my feet, my hands are soaked in blood_. ... _I should wear gloves._

"No lunch? Sheeeeesh! Come on." The brown-haired boy herded me down the alley and I went.

 

Having led me to the best situation he could get for me, Balgus went back to Fanelia and I was left to finish up my training as a Caeli knight. The other Caeli knights couldn't fault my swordplay, but it soon became clear that I knew absolutely nothing about anything else. How to provision a garrison, weapons of mass destruction, tactics, strategy, piloting ships and guymelef? I knew nada. The Caeli enrolled me in the Pallas University military officer's training program. All the other students were older than me and had invested years of their lives in the program and weren't amused that I was promoted ahead of them. They were even less amused when I was appointed teacher's assistant to the fencing master. Eeeeg. I did not make friends.

But Dryden, the kid who hadn't seen me earn Caeli, was going to the University, too. We didn't have any classes in common, he wasn't in the military program, but he was the only other kid my age who ate in the refectory, too. It was inevitable; we sat together, the 15 year old untouchables. Actually, Dryden dormed with the regular students and people waved to him and talked to him sometimes, so I guess he wasn't detested the way I was by the military students.

None of the Caeli would really associate with me either. They were all at least twice my age and I had no idea what to say to them. I think they tried, though. ...I'm sure that was supposed to have been some sort of bonding ritual...

Dryden had finally showed up in the refectory. He dropped his tray on my table, did a double take, and reached out to seize my radically shortened hair. "Oh my god! Did they haze you?"

"Sheesh! It's just a haircut. It'll grow back. It's not like they gang-raped me and hung me naked from the flagpole. Let go of my hair!"

"So they _did_ haze you," said Dryden as he sat down opposite me.

"Look, I kind of like it, so leave off already!"

"...Right. Sorry. Nevermind."

"Fucking civilians. Sheeesh," I said.

"Oh- _KAY_! I get the _idea_. I'll _drop_ it." Dryden gave me an innocent smile. "Hi. How are you today?"

"Fine. You?"

"Peachy. And speaking of peaches, what else did they cut?" And he bent over and looked under the table at me.

"You jerk!" I leaped over the table, grabbed him around the neck. "Noogies for you!" I said and ground my knuckles into his head. He howled and laughed and attempted to get away.

"Schezar!" _Eeek!_ I let go of Dryden and jumped to attention. It was my commanding officer. My _Caeli_ commanding officer. " _What_ are you doing?'" he snapped.

I opened my mouth to say something, but Dryden beat me to it. "We were just playing, sir," he said.

"Playing?" The Knight looked back and forth from Dryden to me and then he rolled his eyes and walked away.

_Aw, shit!_ _What a way to make an impression_. I walked back to my seat with the dignity befitting a Caeli Knight, sat down and started eating. Dryden watched me quietly at first, but giggles escaped from him. I shook my head at him. "Playing," I said. "Thanks so much."

"It was all I could think of," he said and shrugged. "Could have been worse."

I smiled and nodded.  
 _Could have been worse. That just about describes my whole life. At least I've got plenty of room for improvement._


	2. The Details

  
**God is in the Details.**  
_A friend is someone_  
_who has no immediate plans_  
_for your self-improvement._

It is an honour to spar with a Caeli knight. Today I had the honour of sparring with _all_ of them one after the other. The first four bouts I lost, but I didn't psyche and I kept fighting. The second four bouts were all very long fights and each one was eventually called a draw.

The last three bouts I won, which was suspicious. I didn't make any mistakes, which was odd considering how tired I was by then, and the three Caelis were all fresh. Were they letting me win?

I'm used to being in a real battle and actually trying to kill people, which is totally different from being in a tournament bout with a fake sword. But this... I _hate_ having to spar with a live blade. I never feel in control.

They were setting me up. They gave me openings, not to see if I would take them, they knew I would, but to see _how_ I would take them. They just wanted to see me go for a disarm rather than a kill, to watch me tap them with the flat of the blade.

So... I was in control? It was easy enough to tell they were losing to me on purpose. The bouts that had ended in draws, that had probably been intentional, too. What exactly were they testing? _I'm confused_... _and hungry._

"Ya done yet?" I peered over Dryden's carrel in the university library.

"Almost," he said, but he didn't look up from his book.

I gave him thirty seconds. "...How about now? Ya done yet?"

He smirked and started putting away his books. "Yeah. Okay"

"What are you studying anyway"

"Haven't picked any one thing yet. History, law, languages. Dad's making me take business, too." He stuffed books and notebooks into the carrel's cabinet and turned the key.

"So how did you manage to get in so young anyway?"

He practically growled at me. "My Dad's paying for it, but I passed the entrance exams. I _earned_ my own way in if that's what you're asking, and I _don't_ buy my grades!"

_Whoa. Who dropped a bug in his tea?_ "Huh?" I said. "I wasn't, uh... What does your dad do?"

"You don't? ...um, he... uh... I guess you could say he does consulting for the palace. Trade, law, business consulting. Stuff."

"Oh. Whatever. Sounds boring. So, **can we eat yet**?"

Dryden grinned broadly at me then. "Yah. Sure."

I asked around later and found out that Dryden's dad was King Aston's favorite advisor as well as the richest man in the country, but by then I'd already been hanging out with Dryden for a while and I couldn't bring myself to hold that against him.

As we walked to the refectory through the library, we saw a little girl trying to climb up the stacks to get a book, but her little pink slippers were true to their name and kept slipping. Dryden pulled the book out and handed it to her.

"Thank you," she said and she promptly cracked open the book and flipped through it. Dryden and I looked over her shoulder. It had a lot of very colourful pictures of nasty diseases.

"Eeeew! Are you sure you wanted _that_ book?" I said.

"Yes! Bwahahahaha!" She tucked it under her arm and skittered around the corner.

I turned to Dryden. "That looked like a very icky book for such a small girl. Are you sure you should have given it to her?"

"Um. She sure seemed happy to have it. How odd."

"Bet you get in trouble for that. She'll have nightmares."

"Lighten up, Allen!" Dryden shoved me towards the refectory.

  
Marlene, Millerna and I stood out outside on the balcony and watched the Duke of Fried's ship take off. Or rather, Millerna watched the ship take off, Marlene stared abstractedly into the distance and I watched Marlene. "He's a very nice man," I said to her.

"Yes, he is," she agreed.

"He loves you, too."

"Yes, I know," she said. It was true; anyone could tell that Mahad loved Marlene. Marlene has always been Aston's favorite daughter, too, his pet, a butterfly held in a hand's cage. I wouldn't switch places with her for anything.

"You could always say no," I said.

"You know nothing about it. I have no choice." Marlene had grown up knowing about her betrothal. Mahad visited her a few times a year and Marlene was always very sweet to him, always very perfectly behaved. Always.

And they call _me_ the ice princess.

"There are always choices," I said, but she turned silently and went back into the palace, leaving Millerna with me. I looked up at Mahad's airship as it disappeared over the horizon. Hmmm...

Millerna tugged my hand. "Can we go in?" Millerna was mostly left in my charge these days and I gave her a free rein. We went in and Millerna curled up in a chair with her doll and an unfamiliar book.

"Did you steal another book from the library?" I asked her. "Give me the card in the back; I'll go get it stamped for you."She handed up the card. I looked at it. Fatal Diseases 101. Oi. Whoever would have imagined that I'd turn out to be the normal one in the family.

  


The Caeli knights gave me this book by a famous and ancient warrior from the Mystic Moon. It's mostly common sense sword-fighting advice and descriptions of basic stances and cuts, but all with extravagant names full of metaphors about falling mountains and fluttering leaves and shit. It is, thank heavens, a very short book.

At the very end there's a 2 page biography about the famous warrior. He spent many years wandering and refusing to bathe. He got so good at the long sword that he found no challenge in it, so he switched over to a wooden practice sword so he could whack people to death instead of simply cutting them open. Then he retired and spent the rest of his life making ink-paintings of birds. ...Riiight.

I flipped the book over and looked at the cover. It's called 'The Book of [Five](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/stores/detail/-/books/0517415283/reader/1/ref=lib_rd_TFCV/102-9891115-9360917#reader-link) Rings' and there aren't any rings in it. _I think this thing really IS from the Mystic Moon because I'm utterly mystified. Why do all the other Caeli knights think this book is so cool? I don't get it!_

I looked over the table at Dryden who was bent over assiduously writing. _Maybe he's read this before._ "Hey, Dryden," I said.

"Yeah?" he said and looked up and at the same time knocked his ink bottle over onto some sheets he had already written on. "Aaagh! Aaaagh!" he said and threw blotting paper over them. Too late. They were smeared beyond readability.

"Nevermind," I said. I've seen him trip over invisible rucks in the carpet or over his own feet on hardwood, and no cup of juice or open bottle of ink is ever safe from his elbow. I opened up 'The Book of Five Rings' from the beginning and Dryden sighed, pulled out some fresh paper and started over.

Half an hour later Dryden's dad, Meiden, charged into the room. We were in the anteroom of Meiden's office and Dryden was working part-time for his dad. I hung out there because it was a quieter place to study than the dorms and I didn't have a library carrel.

"Where's my contract?" asked Meiden.

Dryden held up a freshly scribed sheaf of paper. "Hey, Dad, I don't know why you're doing this deal; no way is that much money for that much land a good trade."

Meiden's eyebrows disappeared under his hat. He bent and scanned the contract. "Fool of a son. They measure in hectares not acres."

"...Oh. Well, I suppose I'd better specify that in the contract, eh?"

  
"Duh. Rewrite that part. And that. And that. Sheeeesh, what crappy penmanship! I don't know why I pay you. You should be doing this for free as an internship."

That sounds like an obnoxious thing to say to one's son, but Meiden had his hand on Dryden's shoulder as he said it. I looked away. Dryden certainly didn't sound offended. "Dad, no one else would work for you. I could make more money in less hours selling ice-cream to pretty girls in the park. You're an awful boss."

"Yeah, yeah. Write fast. I'll need this within the hour." Meiden waved and left.

Dryden shook out his wrist and pulled out more paper. I went back to my useless mystical book. Twenty minutes later Dryden left to deliver the finished contract. Then he returned and started on one of his reading assignments. An hour after that, Meiden returned. "Are you two still here? It's a Friday night! Get out of here!" He shooed us out of the room.

Dryden and I stood outside in the hall. "You got any plans for tonight?" he asked.

"I'm supposed to go pick up my new uniform," I said.

"Well, after that. Wanna go to a dance? There'll be girls!"

"Sure!"

The palace dance was semiformal line-dancing, so I'd just worn my new uniform to it since everything else I had had been in too many battles. I danced with a different girl for each dance of the first set and then, when the musicians took a break, Dryden pulled me away down the hall for a break of our own.

The palace bathrooms are marble and gold, enormous, echoey, and not equipped with coathooks. By the time I'd removed my uniform's skirt thingie and my swordbelt and hung them over a stall door, Dryden was relieving himself at one of the urinals. By the time I was standing next to him and undoing the front of my uniform, Dryden was buttoning his pants back up.

I unbuttoned the friggin' shoulder-straps and Dryden stared at me. _How do I end up with friends like this?_ He looked horrified. "That thing doesn't have a fly?" he asked.

"Nope," I said. _Oh, yeah. One word answers. Strong, silent type. That's me. Yah._

"Who designed it? Girls on drugs? And what is IN those sleeves?"

"You shut up. It's not like I picked this thing out myself, said 'Oh, boy, a jumpsuit with poofy sleeves, a pink tie and a skirt, I'll wear it for the rest of my life, oh boy!'"

"Oh... Sorry. Skirt keep your butt warm, at least?"

"Yup."

He was still staring at my uniform. "Can I ask you something?" he said.

"What?"

"Are you wearing socks or do those pants have little blue feet on them?"

"I'm wearing socks! Gods!"

"Sorry. Just had to ask. Can I _seeeeee_ the socks?"

"Don't you believe me?" I whined.  
_No, I didn't whine. Rough, tough Caeli knights do NOT whine._

"Not really. It doesn't have a fly!"

"Back to that, are we," I said.

"Take your boot off for me."

"If I do, it'll be to cram it up your-"

"-Okay, okay, nevermind!"

"Stop watching me while I pee!"

Dryden turned his back to me. "Arright, arright!"

I stood before the urinal, with my new uniform peeled down around me like some tropical fruit. Nothing happened. "Dammit. Now I don't have to go."

Dryden threw his hands up in the air. "I'm leaving. Meet ya out in the hall, buddy."

"Right." I said. I heard the bathroom door thump closed. I turned back to the urinal. _I am Caeli knight, utterly invincible!_ ... _Oh yeah. Much better._

_I am so relieved._

Dryden was waiting for me in the hall and he stopped me before we went back into the ballroom. "Take off the tie, Allen."

"Why?"

"You realize, don't you, that the girls will be compelled to be at least as formal as the most formal man in the group."

"They will?"

"Yes. And after dancing one set they'll be all hot. And I want to watch them peel those long white gloves off."

"What for?"

"Whadya mean, what for?"

"Oh! Right."

"Oh, indeed. Long elegant fingers, bare arms, pink lips. We'll make them laugh and then we'll look down their dresses."

"We will?"

"Well, **I** will. I dunno what you like. Maybe you like girls who put their hair up so you can sit behind them and tickle the tender backs of their necks. How the hell would I know what _you_ like. _I_ like looking down their dresses."

"Uh. That's not very gentlemanly!"

"Hey, I'm not touching. I'm just looking."

"...I guess."

I think I was 13 when my Dad took me to court with him for the first time. Some people hit puberty and _some_ people hit puberty like a brick wall while their Dad is watching and laughing behind a paternal hand.

"Daaaaad! She had ...glitter painted on her... I mean, down the front of her dress!"

With his tongue in his cheek, he still somehow clearly said, "They'll let you look at their breasts longer if you look into their eyes from time to time."

Girl-watching is the only sport that my Dad and I both like. He was hoping for football, but he'll take what he can get. He had fun informing me of the finer points of the sport and I can't say that I didn't memorize every word that he said.

I got un-shy real fast.

Dryden constantly trod on all the girls' feet, but he apologized so sincerely that none of them seemed to mind very much.

Well. Except for Eries, the Crown princess, who avoided him. I got to dance with her three times. She was utterly beautiful, with perfect carriage. She never put a foot wrong, she anticipated every lead. Some other guy managed to snag the last dance with her and I was quite disappointed when the dance was over.

Dryden found me as everyone started dispersing, said, "Watch this," and dragged me over to the people lined up by the door.

_Watch this? Uh-oh._ I looked at him suspiciously. "You're a bit of a wanker, aren't you."

"You catch on quick. Now shush, here she comes." Dryden pushed his way to the front and waved at Eries as she went by. "Bye, Princess. We still on for our date next week?"

Oh, heck! At that moment I wanted more than anything to not be standing next to him. I had the uncomfortable feeling that I had fallen in with a bad crowd.

The Crown Princess turned, snarled ferociously at him and snapped, "Yes." She stalked out of the room, followed by the other ladies.

_What! Yes?_ _Yes?_

Dryden laughed at my hanging jaw. "It's not at all what it sounds like," he said. "You wanna come with? The more the merrier."

"Oh, yeah. I am **not** missing this."

I sat on the roof, with the wind in my hair, over my bare toes. The view is great up here, beautiful and so private. I love running around on the roof. Too bad the King found out. Too bad it's now forbidden.

_I'm half-catgirl, it's safe, it's easy!_ is what I'd told the King that morning. He'd glared at me. _No more or Millerna's pony goes._ I couldn't believe it. He was serious.

I suppose it _is_ a bad idea for the Crown princess to risk breaking her neck every afternoon. Just as it is a good idea for Marlene to marry Mahad... Grrrrr.

He's using my love of my sister to control me. What would he do if I called his bluff? Is this a pattern? ...What is he holding over Marlene's head?

I probably shouldn't run around on the roof anymore. At least not during the day...

The clock-tower struck the hour. I swung into the window, pulled my dancing slippers out of my pocket and put them on. Dryden was waiting by the recordplayer and he bowed to me. He'd brought along the new Caeli, who had been watching the door, not the window, and so had not seen me come in. He jumped when I said hello.

Nominally I'm supposed to be practicing courtly behavior while Dryden gets some remedial dance practice in. In truth... _I can't believe this clown is on the short-list of potential husbands for me. No way in hell am I gonna get herded into this._ I don't think he likes dancing with me either. I screeched at him, "I know you know these steps! Stop looking at your feet!"

"But-"

"-And for heaven's sake, will you _please_ lead?"

  


"Oh, sure, what the hell. Ice queen like you won't even feel it when I step on your toes, eh?"

I treated him to an evil stare. He's supposed to practice being courtly, too.

"...Sorry."

"Just shut up and dance," I said.

He shut up and sometimes attempted to lead and I dodged his feet. "You're a lovely dancer, Eries," he said, attempting to practice courtly behavior.

"Shut it, you friggin' creep." _Do I look like I'm susceptible to empty flattery?_

Dryden is not susceptible to empty insults. He said, "Oooooh, such language! My, what an exciting Princess you are!"

_Grrrr._ But he shut up and paid attention and did not step on my feet or trip over his own. We circled the room and my thoughts returned to my earlier interview with the King, until Dryden said, "Uh, your nails are... really sharp. Could you, uh... please?"

_Ooops._ I loosened my iron grip on his hands. "Sorry."

"Rough day?" he asked me.

I sighed. _I suppose anyone could tell._ "Yeah, you could say that."

"Well, what would make it better?"

_I want to run up and down over the roof._ "Mind-numbing physical activity."

"Mind-numbing, eh? You wanna dance with Allen?"

I couldn't help it, I laughed."Does he know you talk about him like that? Some friend you are!"

"I am, actually, an excellent friend. Hey, Allen! Come here!"

I danced a few dances with Eries and then she went to pick out some new records. I walked over to Dryden who was happily engrossed in the military textbook I'd brought.I poked him and he jumped. "Allen! What the hell? Go have another dance with Eries!"

"Well, I would, but I've got to go to that lecture on strategy and tactics." I held out my hand for the book. He didn't give it to me.

"...Trade with ya?"

"You'd rather go to my lecture for me than dance with a Princess? Are you kidding?"

 "Yeah, right! Get me the hell out of here! She's all yours, buddy."

  


"But... why?"

"Allen, nothing I can say interests her. She would have us dance in perfect silence."

"What's wrong with that?"

Dryden waved his arms in inarticulate circles. Finally he said, "Nothing, I suppose. But wouldn't you rather have a girl you can talk to?"

"About what?"

"Nothing! Everything! Stuff! Oh, forget it. Give me your notebook; I'll take notes for you."

"Cool! Thanks!" _Wow, what a great friend!_

~~~

  



	3. A kiss is just a kiss

  
_Those who don't remember history_  
_are doomed to repeat it. Doomed, I say._  
**A kiss is just a kiss.**  
Uh-oh.

I stepped into Meiden's anteroom. Dryden was playing chess with a small boy. "Hi. Whatcha up to?" I asked.

"Working," he said.

"Ya don't say."

"No, truly, I am. Dad asked me to, um, _entertain_ Van here."

"Hi, Van." I looked down at the messy gameboard between them. "Who's winning?"

"He is," said Dryden. "Six times in a row. He's a king. From Fanelia."

"Oh. Right. Gotcha."

"Indeed." Dryden winked at me.

"Just what does your job-" I stared at the fuzzy orange creature in his lap. It blinked at me and turned over, presenting me with its... "-entail?"

"I dunno," said Dryden. "Evidently I'll do just about anything for pocket money. It's way better than filing anyway."

The little boy frowned suspiciously at our conversation. "I'm not a king, I'm a prince, and are you _letting_ me win?"

Dryden looked back at Van. "Let me ask you this first. If I beat _you_ six times in a row, would you cut my head off?"

"Yes, of course," said Van.

"Ah. Then I'm not letting you win. You're just naturally brilliant at this."

"You're lying." The little boy's eyes flashed angrily.

"Now, why would you think that," asked Dryden innocently.

"I'll cut your head off if you lie, too."

I interrupted them. "See you at dinner later, Dryden?"

"Yeah, sure. If I'm still alive by then."

Dryden was waiting for me in front of the refectory, looking out over the wall at the commons. He didn't hear me when I said hello. I nudged him. "What are you thinking about?"

"Languages within languages. What I want to _do_ when I grow up."

"Eh?"

"Did you know there are hundreds of dialects within Asturia?" he said.

"What?"

"Yes. Even on one airship, the captain, the navigator, the crew, the chef, they all use a massively different vocabulary. And depending on what words you use and how, the meaning changes."

"Well, duh."

"I mean... like, I have a collection of history books, each one ten years older than the next, going back 150 years, and if you read just the little bit about the founding of Pallas in each one, you can see that the words, the emphasis, the focus and the details of the events change over time as you watch."

"History gets rewritten?"

"As you said, _well, duh_."

"So why is that important? What do you want to be?" I said.

"I don't know what I want to _be_."

God, this son of a lawyer sometimes insists upon such precision of language. "Well, what do you want to _do?_ "

"Get perspective. Find ultimate truth. ...What do you want to do?"

"Well, I was gonna say I wanted to be one of the best warriors in the world, but after that speech about ultimate truth, it just sounds stupid."

"Allen, from what I've read, we're just taking different roads to the same place."

"Oh. Well, you wanna go eat then? The refectory's just down the hall. We could at least take the same road tonight."

"Yeah, sure," he said and we went inside.

"So what do you _really_ want to be when you grow up?" I asked him.

"An autodidactic philologist."

I stared at him. _He is such a geek. I don't know why I even bother asking._ "Food. This way," I said.

 

It's an honour.

Although the Caeli change the order of their lineup, it's always the same. I lose the first four bouts, fight the next four out endlessly to a draw, and ...then they let me win the last three. The same thing, every time. I know the outcome of every bout.

It's an honour. No, really, it is. Ugh.

_My morale is slipping. I have to force myself to keep doing my best, all the while wondering what's the point._

_I know they kind of like me, for all that we have so little to talk about. They wouldn't be doing this to me if there wasn't a reason. What are they showing me, that I'm not seeing?_

I looked again at my current opponent. He was poised waiting for my advance. His stance was powerful, flexible and also ...elegant. His ridiculous Caeli uniform fluttered in the breeze.

Oh.

It's art.

I couldn't help myself, I smiled. I grinned at him and matched his elegance. The other Caeli smiled back. And then he charged.

He didn't let me win. He beat the crap out of me. And very artistically, too. I don't think I've ever been so happy in my entire life.

There was just one woman in the stands, up in the Royal Box. She was beautiful with long blonde hair and a violet dress and she was clapping. Our entire company bowed to her as one. Eeehehehe!

You only have to fight one battle in low cut shoes to realize that blood feels nasty between the toes. Sure, boots are hot and sweaty, but they are less disgusting to clean after. Somehow I'd lost my boots during the course of this battle. Very odd.

And, though I had recently started guymelef training, now I found myself without a guymelef but attempting to hold my own against several warriors in guymelefs anyway. Mostly I was dodging. But I'm really good at dodging, so I was still alive and unhurt. I kept dodging.

And then I was falling. I hit the ground hard, but I retained my grip on my sword and then I...I...hey! It was a dream!

Gee, maybe the fact that I was fighting all those guymelefs in the nude should have tipped me off. Why the hell can't I have some nice hot and sexy dreams like ordinary guys? Aaaaaargh!

I hate ironing, and I especially hate trying to iron my intricate uniform. It's completely worth it to hang everything up after washing before it all can wrinkle. I besieged the mound of laundry with coathangers while Dryden, waiting for me to finish up, amused himself by looking through my textbooks. "Managing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Is _this_ on the Caeli syllabus?" he asked.

Oops. I had not meant to leave that one out. "Nah. Just something I happened to pick up at the library."

"Just happened? ...You feeling okay, buddy?"

"Fine," I said. _Now, Allen, beating the shit out of nosy little parkers is NOT very Caeli._

"Uh, right." He dropped the book as if it were on fire. "So... ready to party?"

"Lemme just get a clean shirt."

"I'd recommend pants, too, unless you want to get even more popular."

"You so funny. Ohoho." I rummaged through the pile on the bed. "Hey, look, Dryden! Caeli socks!"

"Ah, a rare sight. I am privileged indeed."

It was only a short walk to Tansy's, Dryden's cousin's house. The girl who popped open the door before we could even ring the bell was short and voluptuous, but she had Dryden's colouring and his grin. "Hey!" she said, "You're empty-handed! You're supposed to bring me a present!" Definitely the birthday girl herself. She put her arm across the doorway and attempted to look fierce. She did not succeed.

"Uh." Dryden was momentarily nonplussed, but then he grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me forward. "Look! I brought you a Caeli knight! Isn't he lovely? C'mon, let us in. What flavor cake you got?"

"Lemon and coconut. All right. Come on in. Wow. My very own Caeli knight. Kewwwwwwwl." I stepped under the lintel and Tansy watched me with half-lidded eyes and smiled. Eeep!

The party was loud and happy, but I could not remember the names of any of the people Tansy introduced me to and she seemed to have no intention of letting me hide inconspicuously in a corner. She dragged me into the center of another group of people. "Do you like parlour games?" she asked me.

Tansy's hot gaze made me so flustered that I could not think at all. "Like what?" I said, "Spin the bottle?"

"I was thinking charades, but spin the bottle will be just marvelous! You hear that, girls! The Caeli wants to play spin the bottle!"

_Nooooo!_ "I didn't say that!" But it was too late. I was instantly surrounded by girls with big shiny, woogly eyes. Eeek! And some very happy looking boys. But, standing behind the crowd, I saw ...Eries. The Crown Princess was at this party! Oh!

Tansy put an empty bottle in my hand and I did not protest, for I can make a sword do almost whatever I want. Perhaps a bottle would be just as obedient in my hands.

It was.

"I never said _I_ was playing," said Eries, with a warning look. I approached her anyway, and kissed her hand quickly, let it go and looked back at her face. She was wearing this tiny little smile...

Tansy was quite disappointed. "Well, that wasn't very exciting. Are you actually going to kiss anyone, Eries? No? Well, at least spin the bottle so someone _else_ can start this game properly."

Eries didn't even get up from the couch where she sat. She nudged the bottle with her toe. It spun around once, pointed right back at Eries and went one more inch around to point at Dryden who was sitting on the floor by Eries's feet. He looked up at her. She shrugged. Dryden didn't get up either, he kissed Eries's hand from his seat on the floor, then leaned over and spun the bottle.

"Oh, no," said Tansy, looking down at the bottle that pointed straight to her, "This game isn't working out at all!"

"Come here, cousin," said Dryden.

"No, thank you!"

Dryden stood up and stepped across the circle. "You have to kiss me!"

"No, I don't!" Tansy leaped over the coffee table and galloped around the room. She was pretty fast at the corners, but she had no chance at all on the straight-away, I've seen Dryden run.

"Yes, you do! Come back here, my leetle skunk cabbage!" Dryden was quite obviously taking his time about catching her. Maybe he was watching her bounce up and down as she ran; everyone else was. Oh, sheesh!

"Eehehehehe! But we're cousins!" Tansy careened down the hall.

"Do I look like I care?" yelled Dryden and he chased her into the kitchen.

We heard squeals, thumps, loud smacking sounds and shrieking giggles. It was loud enough that Tansy's parents emerged and made everyone sit down and eat cake. Thank heavens!

The cobbled streets were more and more deserted as Dryden and I made our way home after the party, but not so dark that I couldn't see his smirk. "You like Eries, huh?" he said. Eries had left in style in a carriage with guards and ladies in waiting.

_That little smile_...

"Um... I don't know. She's... um..." I changed the subject. "You didn't actually kiss your cousin, did you?"

He shook his head. "Nah. She wouldn't let me."

"Oh."

"You ever kissed a girl?"

"No. What's it like?" I asked.

"I don't know yet either. None of them will let me kiss them. I figure they can tell I'm a magnificent kisser and they don't want to risk it."

"Good lord! Where do you get such gall?"

"I just call it like I see it," he said and grinned hugely.

"If a swordsman were to be so boastful of untested skills, someone would challenge him to a duel and cut him down a peg."

He laughed. "I'll take you on any day, Allen."

"Eh?"

"I bet I'm a much better kisser than you. Challenge away," he said.

"Well, how in the world can we test that when no girls will kiss us?"

"Well, how about I kiss you and you see what you think," he said.

"Eeeeeeew! No way!" I said.

"Ya chicken? Buc, buc, buc, buc!"

I knew his teasing was silly, but I still responded to it. "I am _not_ chicken!"

"Then stand and deliver, buddy." He grabbed me, swung me around and glomped me.

I leaned back away from him. "This is stupid. And _icky!_ " I said.

"Now, now. If you were kissing Eries would you stand there like a pole? I wouldn't."

"Uh..." No one had put their arms around me like this since... before my mother died.

Dryden leaned his cheek against mine. "Imagine Eries, her pretty silver hair and her perfect porcelain skin. ...What colour are her eyes?"

I shut my own eyes, trying to remember. I had held her in my arms, danced with her and looked into her eyes... "They change. Mostly grey blue," I said.

"Okay. Grey blue. Imagine your arms around her..."

And... my arms _were_ around her, her warm breath was on my cheek, her petal-pink lips parted...

It was a very lovely kiss, but it was quite evident that Allen had completely forgotten himself, so I thought we should stop. I leaned back a bit, but Allen stepped forward, pressing his leg between mine. I leaned back a bit more and he stood on tiptoe.

_Wow. He's just not letting me break this kiss. Okay, whatever. May as well enjoy it._

I hugged him tighter and he sucked on my tongue and moaned into my mouth. Yum! His hand slowly slid down my back...

_Good heavens! I do believe he's going to feel me up! Whee! I am SO winning this bet!_

  


My knees were trembling. I clamped one arm around her waist and my other hand traveled up her back into her ...shoulder length curls? Oh no! I was sucking on Dryden's tongue! It was a nightmare, but I wasn't asleep. "Bleah!" I said and leaped away.

"I think I win," he said.

"I think you're disgusting!" I said.

"Yeah, but I still win. Took you rather a long time to remember to go 'ack, ack, spittooie.' I'm a good kisser, aren't I."

"Uh."

Dryden grinned maniacally and leaned closer. "Ya need a rematch?"

"You win, you win! You kiss great, just get your tongue the hell away from me! Eeeeeeew!"

"Wahahahahahaha!" He laughed at me on and off all the way home, and then as we entered the palace, said, "You _like_ Eries."

"...um..."

"Allen and Eries sitting in a tree-"

"-Will you SHUT UP!"


	4. Nervous in the Service

  
**Nervous in the Service**   
_Life shrinks or expands_   
_in proportion to one's courage._   
_~Anais Nin_   


 

I stopped by the mailroom before I walked up to the boys dorms. Dryden was out in the hall with Gadeth, his floor's Resident Advisor, who was pulling chaperone duty while Dryden talked to a girl.

The girl was provocatively dressed, insistent and familiar. Tansy, Dryden's cousin. "Think how much money we would make!" she said.

"I'm thinking we would be sued for creating a monopoly in every industry we touched. Think years of annoying lawsuits, think assassination attempts, think never having any peace!"

"Aaaaaw!"

Dryden wriggled away from her. "I don't think so. Not that you're not a lovely girl, but we are too much alike. And we're _cousins_!"

"Oho! You've got bigger plans, eh?"

"No way! I-"

"-Uh-huh. If you're throwing me over, it goddamn better be for a princess," said Tansy.

Gadeth looked back and forth from Tansy to Dryden, clearly loving chaperone duty today.

"Er... Riiiiight," said Dryden.

"So how many favors can I call in when you're King?"

"Tansy! Sheesh! Will you leave off already?!"

Tansy sighed discontentedly. "Cousin, I do believe you led me on."

"Uh... Did I? Ooopsie. So sorry."

"Alas, indeed" She reached up and patted him on the cheek. "See you around, kid."

Dryden, Gadeth and I watched her rear rotate its way down the long hall. "You said no to that? Are you sure you're not gay?" asked Gadeth.

"Do you think they practice walking like that or does it just come natural?" I said.

"Yeah, yeah, my cousin's gorgeous. Big whoop," said Dryden sourly.

Gadeth leaned over and whispered, "You should have kissed her goodbye at least. A big wet one. She would have done it."

Dryden bit his lip. "Fucking hell. You're right."

 

Tansy waved at us from the end of the hall and then disappeared around the corner. Gadeth smirked. "Too late now. Maybe next time."

"Aaaagh!" Dryden pulled me into his room and shut the door on Gadeth's grin. "So how was _your_ day?" he said.

"You don't like her, huh."

"No, no, she's a great girl. Brilliant, ambitious, rich... dangerous as a basket full of snakes, but yeah, a great girl. She'll be helleva tough business competition later, but that's better than marrying her. Oi. C'mon! Tell me something that's not about girls. Anything. Please!"

"Uh, well... I got my estate tax bill today. Ugh. It'll take my next paycheck just to take a bite out of the interest!"

Dryden raised his eyebrow at me. "You pay your estate tax out of your Caeli stipend? That's weird."

 

"Is it?" I said, suddenly wishing I hadn't brought up something as personal as my finances with Dryden.

"What do the Schezar estates look like that they can't pay a little land tax? Blackened hills sprinkled with salt?"

It had been over a year since I'd been home, but last I remembered was golden fields... I shook my head.

"May I see that for a minute?" he asked. _Oh, what the hell._ I handed Dryden the crisp linen pages. He read through them and frowned. "Would you mind if I showed this to my mother?" he asked.

"Your mother?" I said, confused.

He didn't explain, he just hauled me down to Meiden's offices. There was a woman sitting on the floor in front of Meiden's barrister bookcases going through some very boring-looking indexes.

"Hi, Ma! This is Allen Schezar. Allen, this is my mom, Lady Fassa. Take a look at this, Ma." And he shoved the papers into her hands. Dryden's mom raised her eyebrow at him in a familiar-seeming gesture, but she took the pages and flipped through them. She froze at the last page, then flipped through them again and started screaming with delight.

"I thought so," said Dryden, smiling.

"Where did you _get_ this evidence?" she squealed.

"It's mine," I said. "What's going on? Do I not have to pay?"

"Your steward and accountants have been embezzling all your money. We'll get it back for you. You _will_ let me borrow this, right? Oh, oh, oh! This is going to be _so_ much fun!"

"They have? You will?" I suddenly thought of my mother, grieving, distraught, ill, half-heartedly managing the Schezar estate...An easy mark. _Oh, lovely. How long has this been going on? And-_ "Hey! You mean, I went through all that crap as a dirt-poor bandit, went to war with Balgus, and became a Caeli and all for _nothing_!"

"Look on the bright side," said Lady Fassa, still poring over my papers, her evidence, "If you hadn't become a Caeli, you would have remained a simple, decadently rich, overdressed git. This way you're a rich, overdressed git with a skill!"

 _Whoa. Talk about candid!_ "I suppose that's one way of looking at it," I said.

 

"Maaaaaaaaaa!" said Dryden, mortally embarrassed,

"What? Oh, I'm so happy! I know these people. They've been getting away with this for years, and all for lack of a nail! Now I am going to nail their asses to the floor! Search warrants! Subpoenas!" she said and she cackled madly.

Meiden sidled up behind his wife and put his hand over her mouth. "Time to stop talking, dear." He looked at us. "Why don't you let us handle this for a bit. We'll get back to you."

Dryden and I left. I stared at him. " _Both_ your parents are lawyers. Figures," I said.

He shrugged. "Yeah. When Ma does come up to the palace, it's not to hang out with the ladies of the court."

"No, _really_? I'd never guess!"

Dryden ducked his head and looked away. I threw my arm around him. "Hey. Thanks, buddy."

He looked back up at me and grinned. "No problem," he said.

 

For once, Dryden and I were early to the dance studio. Eries was there ahead of us. She was dancing a couple's figure dance alone, as if she had an invisible partner. The only sound was the swish of her slippers on the parquet. Her eyes were shut. She had no idea we were there. Every step was precise and yet full of power.

_And perfect..._

As usual, Dryden ruined the moment by talking. "Wow!" he said.

Eries heard him and stopped dancing - _nooo!_ \- and turned to look at us. "Oh. It's you." She sounded rather irritated.

 

Dryden stepped forward and grabbed her hand. "Greetings, fairest princess in the land! It's such an honour to dance with you today!"

Eries scowled at him. "That's what you said last time and I didn't believe it then, either. You're really crappy at this, you know."

"See! See!" said Dryden, looking at me. "After dealing with this every week, asking any other girl to dance isn't just easy, it's a relief. Just for that, Princess, I'm holding you to the bargain anyway. One dance. What shall we do today? Something fast or slow?"

"Fast," hissed Eries. "Let's get this over with."

Dryden tripped through a quick figure with Eries, then relinquished her to me and read my textbook for a bit before he left to go to my lecture for me as usual.

Eries was relieved when he left. "I don't know why you hang out with him. He's awful," she said.

"No. He's not. ...uh" _Would she understand if I told her that it was because of Dryden that I was out of debt and could pay for the repairs on my guymelef, my family inheritance. Would she care?_ "You'll just have to take my word for it."

Her eyes reflected green leaves and blue sky back at me. "All right," she said, "I will." And she took my hand and followed my lead into another allemande.

 

  


 

 

The thin sound of a girl crying travelled up the empty hall, pulled my soul out of my body and tethered it to the shifting grounds of my half-eroded memories.

I can never predict this, it doesn't always happen, but sometimes something happens and I'm gone. It doesn't make sense, they are all long dead and my old problems have been replaced with fresh ones... It never makes sense. ... _Why am I here again?_

I couldn't move, couldn't speak, until Dryden pinched my elbow, which pulled me back into the present, and we peeked past the column into the alcove. It was Eries.

"Uh-oh. Engagement fall through again?" asked Dryden.

Eries didn't seem to be at all angry to have been found crying. "Ye-eh-es!" she wailed, "If they know up front that I'm half cat, then they're all disappointed when they meet me and I'm not some feline sex goddess! If we wait to tell them, then they freak out once they know my pedigree! No one will ever marry me!"

 

 

I gingerly sat next to her when Dryden threw himself down on the bench and put his arm around her. He said, "Your being half cat makes no difference at all. You're a beautiful princess and the cat bits just make you more interesting. I'd marry you in a minute."

"Well, if I'm so wonderful, why wouldn't _he_ marry me?" whined Eries.

"Maybe he's more of a dog person?" I suggested tentatively.

Eries shot me a look at that and collapsed into giggles. Dryden grinned at me over her head. "C'mon, Eries, " he said, "If the bigots from Basram can't appreciate you, you know that us Asturian men will."

He pulled back the curtain of her hair and kissed her cheek. She laughed and turned her head away from him - towards me. Dryden raised his eyebrows and jerked his chin towards Eries. _Okay. What the hell._ I leaned forward and kissed her other cheek. She giggled more and blushed.

Then she jumped up and wiped at her face. "You two are both terrible, awful liars. But, thanks." She smiled at us ruefully. "I suppose I should go tell Marlene the news. Maybe see you all at dinner?" She gave us a real smile then and she was off, running lightly down the hall.

Dryden threw his arm around me. "'Maybe he's a dog person.' That was brilliant, buddy!"

"I'm just glad she quit crying. I hate crying women," I said.

"Aaaaw, no!" said Dryden, "A crying woman is an opportunity you shouldn't pass up!"

 _What a nutball!_ "You think?"

"Oh, I'm sure! We got kisses and she got cheered up. I see no bad here, do you?"

 _...Hmm._ "I guess..."

 

 

 

Marlene jumped when I walked into her quarters.  
She was crying. Again.

"Why are _you_ crying? Was Mahad here? Did something happen?" I asked.

She brushed her tears away and attempted to smile. "No, he was fine. I'm fine." She wasn't lying. She wasn't telling the truth, either. And I knew that no matter how much I tried to talk to her, she wasn't going to tell me the truth.

I hate that.

 

  


I knocked on the door to Meiden's offices. Dryden appeared and shoved little Van and Merle out the door to me. "Take them and enjoy. This is the second day in a row I've gotten stuck with the fireball and the hairball."

"Hairball, eh?" I said, looking at Merle.

 

"Uh... I mean... Such a pretty little thing, I bet she'll grow up into an elegant and gorgeous catgirl," he said and he looked me up and down like I was a fancy dessert.

"Not gonna work, ya suck-up."

"Oh," he said, and he instantly turned off the smarm. "Well, you can't blame a guy for trying."

 _Yah._ "Seeya, Dryden."

"Seeya, Eries."

He shut the door and I turned to take the kids away, but then I heard Allen's voice from behind the door. "Hey! I thought you were letting me have Eries!"

"I gave you my dance card; I did not give you exclusive flirting rights in the palace. So stuff it, Allen."

"Oh, yeah!" said Allen.

"Yeah!" said Dryden, right back at him.

"Well, she doesn't like it when you flirt with her anyway."

"Yes, she does!"

"No, she doesn't. She called you a suck-up."

"Coming from her, that is term of endearment," said Dryden airily.

"No, it's not!" said Allen.

"Yes, it is!" Dryden insisted.

I laughed aloud then and they both subsided into silence. _Oops!_ I wiped the idiot grin off my face and hurried down the gallery with Merle in my arms and Van running before me.

It's very unprincessy to eavesdrop. I really should stop doing it.  
 

 

I was walking through the side gallery when- _Hey, deja vu!_

_What is this, Eries's Royal Crying Alcove?_

I poked my head around the column. It wasn't Eries. It was her sister, Marlene. I'd spoken to Marlene a few times, but I didn't really know her, and I had no idea what to say to her now. But she looked really upset. I thought of Dryden. _A crying woman is an opportunity you shouldn't pass up..._

 

_Hey, knightly duty and all that!_ She looked at me with huge luminous violet eyes. I sat down next to her and put my arms around her. _Do all princesses use the same soap? She smells just like Eries._

I kissed her then. I meant to kiss her on the cheek as I had Eries, but Marlene moved towards me and my lips grazed hers. I was going to beg her pardon then, but she kissed me back, desperately, full on the mouth. _Whoa, I wasn't expecting this!_ Her hands clutched at me, skittering over me like wild birds, pulling apart my uniform.

It was only then that I realized that Dryden might know some things about girls, but he knew nothing about women. He'd never been alone with a woman without a chaperone and he'd never told me when or how to say no...

Oh, no...


	5. Water to Whine

  


**Water to Whine**  
 _I've been rich and I've been poor,_  
I've been sick and well and at wit's end,  
But all I've ever really needed,  
Is just one real true friend.

I turned my options over in my head, but there really was no choice and I had to tell someone about Marlene or implode. My classmates and acquaintances would just spread the gossip. I couldn't tell the other Caeli knights; they wouldn't rat on me, but they'd think I was an idiot. And there was no way I could ever tell Eries... eeeeg!

I found Dryden reading a book over breakfast in the refectory. _How did I end up with such a geeky friend? And this is all his fault anyway!_ He's the only one I know who's smart enough to keep his mouth shut, though. He looked up when I walked over. "Hi, Allen!" he said.

  


It was early yet, there weren't many people up, we had plenty of privacy. I sat down next to him. "Um....I gotta tell you something," I said. And then, in fits and starts, I gave him a fractured account of how I'd found Marlene in the alcove the day before and how she'd pulled my clothes off and... and... and...

Dryden definitely believed my story. His eyes were wide and admiring. "Wow. That is amazing!"

I buried my head in my hands. "No! Aaaaaaaagh! I don't know why I thought you'd understand!"

  


"Erm...I apologize if I'm not being properly sympathetic, but... sheesh, Allen! I'd give my right arm to get me some princess booty. Why exactly am I supposed to feel sorry for you now?"

 _Eh?_ "You mean you did before?" I asked.

"Duh. No." He looked at me questioningly. "Tell me again. ...Marlene liked it right?"

"Um... I... don't know. It was weird. And ALL her idea."

Dryden seemed confused. "Oh. ...So....it didn't feel good?"

"I ...guess it did. Sorta." _She scared me._

He put his hand on my shoulder. "Well, don't get so upset; I'm sure it'll be better next time."

"What next time?! She's gone! Married! Left this morning for the Fried ceremony." _Yay, she's gone! Thank God!_

"Well, next time with some other girl, right? Marlene was just having a bit of an adventure before she got married. Don't worry about it."

I looked up at him. "...You think?"

"Sure! File it under _Well, wasn't that interesting_ , stop worrying your pretty yellow head, and go back to your monk-like existence. Or not. Whatever."

I don't think Dryden really understood what I was trying to tell him, but it was a relief to have told him anyway. And he didn't seem to think any different of me, which was reassuring.

"Soooo?" Dryden looked into my face hopefully.

"What?"

"Was it fun?" he asked.

"Was _what_ fun?"

"Oh, come on. Suppose you tried it with a nice girl who _wasn't_ freaking out over something. Would it be fun then?"

"Probably. How the hell would _I_ know?" I said bitterly.

"Allen! Please!"

I relented and told him what he wanted to hear. "Okay, okay. It's fun. ...You'll love it."

"Really?" he said.

"Yeah. Eat your bread and water, you doofus."

  


Dryden looked down at his toast and tea. "I can't. I'm too excited! Oh, boy!" He clasped his hands together and looked upwards with adoring enthusiastic speculation. _He's such an idiot._ I laughed, as he intended. He grinned at me. "Don't worry. It will be okay," he said.

I smiled weakly back at him. Dryden is always an optimist, but he's not always right.

When Allen and Dryden walked into the studio, I yelled "BOO!" from my perch on top of the door. I do so love watching people jump out of their skins.

It's a trick I've played on Dryden before and he was not surprised but Allen's eyes were as big as saucers. I jumped down to the floor and put my shoes back on.

"You should be more ladylike!'" said Allen and he scowled at me and stalked silently off to set up the record player. _He didn't even crack a smile!_

  


"What is his problem?" I asked Dryden.

"I really couldn't say. He seems to have stuff on his mind."

Really couldn't say? That's not at all the same as _I don't know_. "Well, he's being an absolute maggot!"

Dryden looked over at Allen with concern in his eyes. "Go easy on him, Eries. I think being a Caeli is more difficult than it looks."

I was outraged. "And being a Princess is all sweetness and light? At least I don't throw snarkus fits like-"

Dryden was desperately trying not to laugh in my face. ... _Oh_. _I **do** throw fits_... I crossed my arms and huffed, "Shut up, Dryden."

I was getting ready for bed when someone knocked on my door. It was Dryden with his books in his hands and his pillow under his arm. "Hi," he said.

"Hi..." I said, looking at the pillow. _Eh?_

"Um... Could you put me up for the night? They're throwing a keg party on my floor and I've got two exams tomorrow morning."

 _Oh, right. School. The only thing in the world Dryden takes seriously_. "Why didn't you tell your RA? Isn't he real strict about that kind of thing?"

"Yeah, he _was_ real strict before he was old enough to indulge. Gadeth's the one throwing the party. He's finally old enough to buy alcohol and, boy, did he ever! All his friends are just _so_ happy for him. Not to mention twice my size. I'm not gonna ask them to pipe down again!" He gave me a pleading look. "C'mon, Allen! If I don't get at least 5 hours tonight, I'll never make it through the second exam. It's gonna have 6 essay questions on it. Pleeeeeeeeze? I'll sleep on the floor and be out of your way before 7 am."

I already knew what my answer was going to be, but I said, "Well, I dunno. Do you snore?"

"...er... Well..."

"Did I ever tell you that all the guys who snored in Balgus's army bought the farm in the middle of the night? The sound attracted arrows. Neat, huh?"

"...er... Izzat right?" Dryden looked rather hurt. "I guess I'll try the library then. I've noticed some nice soft-looking patches of marble in there."

He turned to go. I seized him by the collar and hauled him backwards. "Get in here."

"Oh, man! Thanks! I really mean it!"

I made him a bed out of two little rugs, my coat and an extra blanket. It didn't look all that comfortable to me, but he seemed very happy with it. And he did snore a bit.

The streetlight reflected off the white-washed ceiling and picked out the curve of his ear, the line of his neck and slender shoulder.  
...He feels very, very skinny. But pretty.

"...'lln?" he said.

I snatched my hand away from him. "Nothing," I said. "Good night."

He fell back asleep instantly. He didn't snore all that loud, either.  
Arrow would have just grazed him.

Dryden and Eries were waiting for me in front of the university refectory, fondly known to the students as the Rat Factory. "So what's on the menu tonight?" I asked.

"Triangles. I mean 'fish'" said Dryden.

"Now, now," said Eries. "I'm sure that shaped industrial food paste _is_ actually made from food."

Dryden looked at her. "Ya think? I dunno why you come slumming down here to eat this shit, Eries."

"It's the scintillating company. Well, at least you all don't think it's fun to dissect a roast chicken as you eat it."

"Little sister getting weirder?" I said.

"If that's possible. Somehow I'd rather eat industrial food paste than listen to Millerna name each muscle group as I put it in my mouth. And don't even get me started on what she says about vegetables!"

"Hehe! Does she really do that?" asked Dryden.

Eries nodded. "She really does. Marlene thinks it's just a phase. We can only hope."

Perhaps I froze or turned pale at the mention of Marlene's name, but Dryden picked up the conversation again and Eries didn't notice.

When I focused again on my two friends, they were deep in discussion. I turned back and forth trying to catch the nuances of the conversation ping-ponging before me. Eries had taken the same military strategy class last year that Dryden was now taking for me, and they were talking about how well some of those techniques would apply to political strategy. I listened to them discuss a pincer movement in some speech by someone I didn't know... _How the hell can you have a pincer movement in a speech?_.... _I think I'm going to have to go catch up in this class_...

I suppose I really ought to be happy that my two best friends in the world finally like each other. I must just have a nasty suspicious nature. I'll have to work on that.

He _is_ flirting with her. Just friends, my sweet ass!

 _Why do I care? It's not like I deserve her after what I_...

  


For weeks after the Marlene incident Allen was apathetic, quiet and morose. Eries went so far as to pull me aside one day and ask me if Allen still liked her. "Yes!" I said. "Absolutely! He's just ...got stuff on his mind."

When I wouldn't tell her _what_ was on his mind, she said, "Well, you're his best friend. DO something!"

I took that Royal Command seriously. The next time I saw Allen, I told him, "You should come home with me for the holiday break."

"I can't. I have to collect my guymelef for next term."

"If I help you, that will take you about half a day. I _insist,_ " I said.

He shrugged listlessly. "Okay."

_Well, that was easy enough._

I arranged for one of my Dad's airships to come pick up the Schezarade and when the term ended, I went with Allen to the Schezar estates. I was very glad Allen wasn't staying there for the duration of our holiday. Allen looked bleakly around his empty house. Most of the rooms were closed off and what little furniture was left was covered in sheets. "Erm...well," I said, "You can buy new furniture and stuff later. Where's your guymelef."

"In the garage," he said and he led me out the kitchen door and up a garden path. I could see this enormous garage off in the distance.

There were two smallish wolfgirls playing in the garden. "Hi!" said one of them. "Are you the client?"

"Uh....yeah," said Allen, looking bemused.

The little wolfgirl took a deep breath and bellowed, "MUM! CLIENTS ARE HERE!!!" There was a distant whoop and a rattle. The garage doors started cranking open.

"You hired wolf-people?" I said. "I'm impressed. I had no idea you had such a social conscience."

Allen leaned close and hissed in my ear. "Balgus recommended them. He said they were good. He didn't tell me they had puppies! I bet they dug holes everywhere!"

Four furry ears pointed straight up at that. "We're _good_ puppies! We only dug _one_ hole! A very small one!"

"Yeah. Just a very small one!" I said and laughed.

Allen looked at the little girls suspiciously. "What else have you been up to?"

 

They indicated their pulltoy proudly. "We made ducks. We're old enough to use the circular saw now!"

"Er...right. Very nice. Carry on," said Allen and he strode past them like the lord of the manor that I suppose he actually was now. _Hehehe!_ The puppies and I trailed after him and we watched him enter the garage.

The garage was vast and shadowy. Wolves jumped off the oil drums lined up against the wall and climbed down off the gantries. The pack assembled in front of a tarp-covered guymelef . The Alpha wolf -who was easy to pick out; she had a big red A embroidered on the front of her overalls- pulled the tarps off and Allen ran forward. "Woohoo! Look, they waxed it and everything!" he said.

The Alpha wolf pointed out the rusted hip rotater the team had replaced, listed the many parts that they had been unable to order and had built from scratch instead, and then stepped back. Allen scrambled all over the guymelef and looked at everything and practically drooled. Then he called me over to have a peek.

I followed Allen around as he taught me the difference between a custom handbuilt classic guymelef and the assemblyline-built junkers that the army contracts out to the lowest bidder. I had never been that close to a guymelef and Allen was an enthusiastic and fascinating tour guide. _Maybe I should read up on this; it's just as nifty as he thinks it is_...

Finally he got inside, shut the hatch and attempted to walk the thing onto the transport ship. His first steps were staggering and jerky, but then he seemed to get the hang of it.

  


Allen was sweat-soaked and grinning like a fool when he emerged from the guymelef. The crew of the transport ship tied it down securely and took off with it. Allen went to talk with the Alpha female and the rest of the wolf pack. They grinned toothily back at him. Then they packed up their toolboxes, moved them over to the hangar and started work on the Schezar airship, the Crusade.

  


Life is pretty slow at my parents house, so I thought I'd take Allen fishing. He'd never been fishing. He twitched when I handed him a worm. "Since when did you become a hick?" he asked.

"Just try it, eh? It's very relaxing," I said.

"How? This is so gross! You puncture worms every vacation?"

"Puncturing worms is not the point."

"There's a point? I feel so sorry for it," he said.

"Since when did you become a vegetarian? What did you do when you were a bandit? Kill and eat gross nasty things you found in the woods, right?'

Allen grinned. "Actually it was mostly stolen picnic lunches."

I pulled my best fishing pole out of his hands. Clearly it was wasted on him. "Fine. Here, read my comic book." I shoved it at him.

He flipped through it. "This plot is stupid. I can't believe you read stuff like this."

There is just no pleasing some people. "Aw, maaaaan! Haven't you ever heard of a willing sense of disbelief? Science fiction is fun." I baited my hook and cast out. _Here fishy, fishy, fishy._

  


  


Allen frowned at my comic book. "But they're travelling between universes with the aid of some kind of alien doodad. It's stuuuuupid."

"Shut up, will ya. You're scaring the fish," I said.

Allen laughed. " **You** are telling **me** to be quiet? Oh, that's rich."

"Shhh!" He laughed again and turned another page. I cast out my line again.

And again. And again. I need to come back with some stronger line. The damn fish bit through my line and ate all my hooks and all my bait and we went home empty-handed, but the day wasn't a total loss. Allen did read all of that comic book and then he asked if he could read my back-issues. And then he started reading the parts he liked aloud, complete with monster sound effects. Hehehe! Finally! When Allen isn't moping around, he's a real fun guy.

Dryden's mom went back to the city to see Meiden and we were left at the house all alone except for a few servants. We decided to amuse ourselves by thoroughly exploring the _extensive_ Fassa liquor cabinets. It was fun at first but it turned out to be a _bad_ idea.

Dryden eventually dragged himself out of the bathroom and fell over on the bottom bunk. "Ooooog. When Dad told me never to mix beer, wine and hard liquor, I thought he meant because it was gauche, not because it'd **kill** you!"

"I dunno. This would be a pretty gauche way to die. Here, drink some water." I held out a glass to him. Dryden turned his nose up at it. "Suit yourself," I said, "I drank mine. I didn't bivouac with a drunken army without learning a couple of useful tricks, you know."

"Oh," said Dryden and he drank the water down. "Let's not do this again, huh?"

"Good plan," I said. I climbed unsteadily up into the top bunk and fell into uneasy dreams.

_Balgus was there and my guymelef and some dogs and then there was just Princess Marlene. She had detached my head from my body and she was carefully painting my eyes a different shade of blue. "Hey, where's the rest of me? What are you doing? Stop that!" I said._

_"Sssh," she said."It was the wrong shade. I like this colour."_

_"No!" I said because it hurt, but she didn't listen and everything slowly faded to blue, a shade I didn't like, that did **not** match my eyes._

Shaking, I jumped out of the dream and out of bed and almost broke my neck. _Oh, **this** is why no one likes the top bunk_. Well, Dryden had offered me the bottom one, I'd just not taken it.

I sat on the edge of his bed and looked at him. He was sleeping peacefully with his arm draped over a ratty old stuffed toy sea dragon. _No nightmares here. I wish I had Dryden's dreams; they look pretty good. I wish I had Dryden's parents, too. They're weird, but they're happy._

I wish I had lots of things about him. He's innocent as I am no longer, but he's not naive as I was till too late. I wish I'd been so lucky. I wish I could steal that luck from him. I wish I could steal that first kiss back.

Would he wake up if I did that? Maybe he would throw me out of his room. ...Maybe he would kiss me back. I wonder... if I pulled that toy out of his arms and took its place, would he welcome me?

He reeks like a distillery. He's skinny and gangly and utterly geeky and I would like nothing better than to crawl into bed with him, wrap his toothpick arms around me, kiss him and maybe snake my arm down between our bodies and squeeze us together in one hand.

I could do it. He's so drunk he probably wouldn't even remember anything in the morning.

 _I wish **I** couldn't remember anything_...

...I won't touch him though.  
Honourable Caeli Knights don't do shit like that. _God._

 _I definitely don't deserve Eries_...

I leaped up and ran to be sick in the bathroom.


	6. String or Nothing

  
**String or Nothing**  
 _I love an Asturian boy; oh, he's my best friend.  
I love his seditious smile that hides the pain within.  
~Dead Can Dance_ [*](http://www.alwaysontherun.net/dcd.htm#t9)

Allen dropped his sword on the bench next to me and I handed him his bottle of water. "You looked good out there today," I said.

He wiped salt water off his face and poured fresh water down his throat. "Nah. I'm a fake," he said.

"What do you mean?" I said, surprised.

"It's odd. I was a... better? ...more vicious? fighter under Balgus."

  


I'd been watching Allen's practice and I couldn't believe what he was saying. I mean, he was _good!_ "You're kidding! Are you saying you've become slower, weaker and less skilled?"

"No, no. It's just..." He looked out at the sparring knights. "That's a formal duel. That's not what it's like in a real battle."

Usually if I asked Allen anything about his family or about his past he'd change the subject. This was the first time he'd ever brought it up himself. I looked out at the field and said, "So...what's it like?"

"It's like being surrounded by people who want to assassinate you. There is no practicing like this, just killing. I didn't stand there crossing my blade honorably with opponents. If someone was stronger than me or more skilled, then I'd run. Most of the time I teamed with Balgus and we'd overwhelm people with numbers. It wasn't fair or pretty and all we wanted to do was win. My speciality was climbing over piles of corpses quickly to stab people in the back. I'm good at keeping my footing over uncertain ground. We waded in blood."

I took a deep breath and said calmly, "Oh."

And, miraculously, Allen kept talking. "I won the Caeli tournament by disarming people. Balgus had to teach me how to do that, how to fight the traditional genteel Asturian way. On the other hand, he did not have to teach me how to stab people in the back, chop their arms off or slit their throats. That came quite naturally for me. I'm a very good killer; I've had to work quite hard to be a knight." Allen nodded his head at the knights out on the field. "They think my instincts are crude. Sometimes I feel like an atheist in church here."

"Can't you be both?" I asked.

Allen looked down at me, surprised. "What?" he said.

"Well, be a Caeli when it's appropriate and do whatever you have to to survive when that's appropriate. Learning one skill doesn't mean you have to lose another. ...You like being a Caeli, these formal practices and duels, right?"

Allen smiled. "Yes. This is much more fun than lopping off heads."

"Well, there you go."

There was a comfortable silence and then Allen spoke again. "You know Marlene's coming back," he said.

"Is she?" I said, but of course I knew; the whole city had been preparing for weeks. Having had one ceremony in Fried, now she was to have another in Asturia.

"Yes," said Allen, "And the Caeli's have to take part in it. Honour guard or some such."

"I'll bet the food will be great," I said.

"True. ...You gonna be there?"

"Oh, yeah. Me and my whole family."

"Good."

Poor Allen. He survived the wedding just fine, but the ladies would not leave him alone at the reception. Everyone wanted a turn dancing with the new Caeli. Eries and I stood on the edge of the floor and watched Allen try to disentangle himself from the painted grasp of the ladies yet again. "Look, they're flanking him," I said. "Best bet on how he'll retreat?"

  


Eries laughed. "He'll claim he's going to visit the restroom. Look, there he goes!"

We watched him, but he didn't make it. Marlene grabbed him next and, as she was the bride, her wish was his command. Next to me, Eries made a strangled noise.

"What?"

"Nothing. Excuse me. I have to... go polish my nose." And with that utterly pathetic excuse, she left.

I watched Eries sidestep twirling couples in her dash for the far exit. I watched Allen free himself from Marlene and run after her. He caught her inches from the door and dragged her back into the room.

I did not succeed at avoiding Marlene on her wedding day. There was a very uncomfortable scene between us in the garden early that morning. Ugh. She caught me again at the reception on the dance floor and she grabbed my hands. "I'm sorry! I'm so very sorry!" she gasped.

"It's okay," I said. I attempted to extricate my fingers from hers, but she wouldn't let go. "Hey, it looks like your husband wants a dance," I said. She dropped my hands and whirled around.

I left Marlene to Mahad and ran after Eries, who was going for the door. But not fast enough to evade me. I grabbed her. She snarled at me, but I wouldn't let her go. We circled each other as if on the brink of violence and I danced at her until she danced back at me, glaring at me intensely. I don't imagine she knows her hot, dangerous gaze is beautiful.

It took a while for Eries to relax into my arms. Eventually she stared at up me calmly. "What did Marlene say to you?" she asked.

"Nothing of consequence. Why?"

"I think she might have had a crush on you. She always used to have these mad crushes on the palace prettyboys. She was always sneaking off with someone."

"She chases boys??" _I'm not the only one Marlene went after!_

Eries nodded her head. "Oh, yeah. Incorrigible. Though I'll bet Mahad will put a stop to that now that she's married."

"Hey, did you just call me pretty?" I said.

Eries blushed. I laughed and dipped her and kissed her lightly as she came up.

I missed my chance to ask Eries to dance. I was going to ask her. I wanted to. I've practiced enough that I hardly ever step on girls' feet. ...Well, I step on them a lot less anyway.

Damn. Clearly giving my dancecard to Allen was a tactical error. ...Not that I ever could have looked like that with Eries, no matter how much I practiced.

I watched Allen and Eries move together, a physical language that I was incapable of speaking fluently. I had dreaded my lessons with Eries and been grateful to Allen for lifting the burden from me. Even my Dad knew I'd wriggled out of his unsubtle plan to procure a princess for me and, since it was obvious how Eries and I both felt about it, he'd not given me too much grief over it.

Eries, my classmate, my liege princess, and only recently my friend, has steadfastly disliked me for as long as she has been forced to endure my presence. I haven't much liked her either, although truly, I did not step on her feet on purpose.

I'm no dummy. Though I like to tweak Allen's tail by flirting with her, I know I will never ever have her, which in some ways is a pity since she is smart and unpretentious and, if you catch her in the right mood, even funny, but in some ways it's just as well, since she is the Crown Princess, and who in their right mind would ever want to be King.

Yes, it's really just as well.

But of course, it's only now that I have stepped back some distance that I can see that she _is_ beautiful. Stunning, in fact. Damn.

When my parents suggested the little Princess Millerna as a possible alternative spouse I thought they were both nuts, but their demands are so infrequent that when they ask for something I do try to accommodate them, or at the very least humor them. I obediently found the little Princess in the garden and kissed her hand as if she was a young lady of age. It seemed Millerna had been wanting a playmate that day. She dragged me around the garden. She fed me pretend tea. She drafted me into her games. She ...was a surprisingly fun little girl.

She had a doll in one pocket and a pocketknife and a ball of string in the other. String, in case you didn't know, can be used to simulate spaghetti, ship rigging, intestines, lava, roads, and lightning. Which is just what Millerna needed so that her doll, Miss Kitty, could have a spaghetti dinner following her operation and convalescence, after which she could continue her ocean expedition across Darkest Puddle to see the Exploding Islands. Gosh!

"I have never known what a great toy string is," I told her.

Millerna sniffed and looked down her nose at me. "Oh, yeah. All the cool girls are carrying string this year." And then, just to overdo it a bit more, she sniffed again and smirked and looked sideways at me to see if I was getting the joke, at which point I fell completely and totally in love with her.

She didn't seem to notice though, and continued playing for another hour until she was called in to dinner. "Bye," she said then. "Come play with me again some time." She bent in a familiar princely gesture and she kissed _my_ hand.

"I....I will," I managed to get out.

"You promise?"

"I do. ...I mean, yes." _I mean, I'm yours._

I left with a spring in my step and a short length of Miss Kitty's lower intestine in my pocket.

"Wow, look at you. Is your shirt actually tucked in all the way around? Whoa, buttons in the right button-holes. Is that waistcoat ironed? Holy moly. I don't think I've ever seen you so dressed up. What's the occasion?"

Dryden just smiled at my teasing. "I just met my future wife," he said.

"Oh, yeah? How could you tell?"

"I just know."

"Magic, huh?"

"Yeah." He sighed idiotically and then shook himself and said, "Uh, no, I mean it was my Dad's idea. He's arranging it."

"Oh. One of _those_ marriages. Well, obviously she must be amazingly beautiful."

He tilted his head. "Er... Well, she probably will be."

"Will be?"

"She's a bit young yet for beautiful, but she's cute."

"Oh. So, who is it? Anyone I know?" I asked.

"Princess Millerna," he said with relish.

"That weird little kid? You are gonna marry the little princess? And become a prince? You?" ... _Oh, dear. That was rude._

"Eh? ...Oh, yeah. I suppose so. Heh! Me, a prince! Won't that be funny." Dryden grinned and his gaze drifted up and away from me. "She giggled when I kissed her hand. She gave me a cup of cold water, told me it was hot tea. She told me to blow on it."

"And I suppose you did," I said.

"Well, of course I did. She _is_ going to be beautiful. One day. Soon."

"I hear she's quite bossy and obnoxious and very badly behaved."

"Don't you talk about my fiancee that way! She's wonderful!"

"Oh, for God's sakes! Are you drunk?"

"On pretend tea? Not hardly," he said.

"You're a fruitcake then. She's a little kid."

"Yeah, yeah. Don't tell anyone, Allen. My Dad's still selling the idea to Aston."

"That's King Aston to you, ya minor flunky."

"My father-in-law to be. How utterly bizarre." Dryden looked at me hopefully. "Hey, if you marry Eries, we'll be brothers!"

"Oh, don't be stupid," I said.

"Do I look stupid?"

"At the moment, yeah, you do. I kissed her once. That's it. That's _all."_

"Oh," he said and looked away again. He wasn't listening. Oi.

"Let's eat, shall we. I'm sure we'll find something that'll go well with fruitcake," I said.

"Mmm," he said and smiled into the distance. He was _definitely_ not listening.

_Mahad will sleep by my side and he'll kiss me, but that's all. And I, who wished my secrets reamed away upon the bridebed, have not been touched. He's waiting for this special holiday. It's supposed to make for a lucky birthday for our potential child, he says. He says the custom of his country and the wisdom of his fore-mothers insist upon it. "Oh, please, now, now!" I say, feeling like a complete harlot and he laughs and says, "Just a bit longer."_

Just a bit longer. Oh, god. Both my Asturian and my Fried weddings are long past. It's too late already. I'm doomed.

I've been looking through my diary, at the utter tripe I wrote in it when I first got here. I'm a fool and a coward, but that doesn't mean I don't know my duty. Pregnant by some other man. Waiting longer to tell Mahad would just get me in deeper trouble. Pregnant by some other man. It's a very short sentence. I pulled Mahad into the privacy of our bedroom and spilled my guts. I ended with, "I'm so, so sorry."

Mahad is every inch a statesman. None of the hurt in his eyes made its way into his voice. "Do you love him?"

"Who? Oh, _him_. No," I said.

"Then why did you-"

"-I don't know. Maybe at the time, I thought... I don't know. He was pretty. He was there. I was really nervous about getting married and I ...well." ... _I really don't want to think about it._

"Uh-huh," he said flatly.

I looked at my feet. "Are you going to send me back?"

"Well, I can't. Freid needs that trade agreement with Asturia. Sending you back would piss off your dad."

"...Oh." _Well, I didn't expect him to say **that**. _ "I'm sorry."

"...Do you want to go back?" he asked. "I mean, if you'd rather-"

"No!" I said, imagining being sent back in disgrace.

Something about the vehemence of my answer cheered him a bit. He said, "Oh. All right. ...Well, I wish you'd told me sooner. Everyone is assuming that I'm keeping custom; now I'll have to convince them that we weren't."

"I'm sorry."

"Mamma told me political marriages could be rough, but she really didn't elaborate exactly how. ...eeeeeeg."

"I'm sorry."

Mahad looked at me with black, unreadable eyes. "I know. You keep saying that."

I was quiet then and he sighed and went away.

I didn't see him again all evening and finally I just got into our bed by myself and doused the light. I didn't sleep though and I was still awake when Mahad came in. I listened to him get ready for bed in the dark and I didn't say anything. He got into bed next to me and we lay there, awake, listening to each other, not sleeping and not saying anything. For a long time.

_I should say something. But what? I have no idea._

Several minutes later Mahad pushed the covers away and got out.. _He's leaving,_ I thought and choked on a sob, but he just kindled the light beside the bed. Then he went to a nearby cabinet and returned with a distillation of gold in a round bottle and an empty glass.

"I'm not sleeping; you're not sleeping," he said, "Let's have a midnight booze picnic." He filled the glass, emptied it in one shot, filled it again and passed it to me.

I looked at the shot glass he had pressed into my hand. "I'm pregnant. You shouldn't be giving this to me."

"Ah, just one will be okay. You can't have any more than that. Howzat?" He smiled at me and took a drink straight from the bottle.

"All right," I said and sipped. I watched him take another long pull from the bottle. "You going to drink that whole thing?" I asked.

"No, I think I'm drunk enough on half. Whoooa! Good stuff. Hey, quit crying, will ya. We'll figure something out."

I brushed the ever-present tears off my cheeks. "We will? Like what?"

"I dunno. After we get over the hangover tomorrow, we'll think of something then. Some variation of 'She was so pretty that I couldn't resist and said to hell with the customs.'"

"You think people will believe that?"

He waggled his eyebrows at me. "Sure. If I tell them in a really loud voice..."

_Was he trying to make a joke?_ "Well, perhaps," I said uncertainly.

"So, we'll just go on as normal."

"Normal for royalty anyway," I said grimly.

"Right. Here's to normal for royalty," he said and he clinked his half-full bottle against my almost empty glass.

I looked up at him. _I can't believe it. I think this is going to work out okay._

My glass fell from my fingers and tears streamed down my face for the twentieth time that day. There is no way in hell that I deserve a man like Mahad. But I'm going to keep him anyway.

  



	7. The Vapor of Nuance

 

  
_"Anyway, my grandmother came to visit._  
...I avoided her until we all sat down for dinner.  
And then she figured out the whole situation  
[I was pregnant] in, maybe, ten minutes,  
just by watching my face across the dinner table.  
I didn't say more than ten words--'Pass the tortillas.'  
I don't know how my face conveyed that information,  
or what kind of internal wiring in my grandmother's mind  
enabled her to accomplish this incredible feat.  
To condense fact from the vapor of nuance."  
[Snowcrash](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553380958/qid=1029906897/sr=12-1/002-3144821-9476013)

 

What could be better than finishing up a successful duel with another Caeli knight and then seeing one's girlfriend waving at you....er, friend.....er, yeah, whatever. I do sorta like the sound of girlfriend, although it's vaguely terrifying to say such a thing about a princess... but she sure can kiss. I think I'll try to get her alone again tonight. Yeah, good plan!

Eries and her little sister waved to me from the far side of the arena by the locker rooms. I walked over. "Hi! What are you doing here?"

"Oh, Millerna is looking for some kid she was playing with some time ago. She's been dragging me around with her for _hours_ and I decided since we were passing through that it would be fun stop by and see you. Oh, stop pouting, Millerna; just give me five minutes!" Eries sighed and looked back up at me. "It's hopeless; there's gotta be five hundred little brown-haired boys in this palace," she said.

"Oh. ....Well, I hope you find him."

"Yeah. What time will you be by tonight?" she asked.

 _Woohoo!_ "Seven?" I suggested.

 "Great!" said Eries. She checked that no one, including her sister, was looking and then she quickly kissed me on the cheek.

Millerna seemed to be a rather distractable little girl; she had stopped whining and was raptly watching some of the other Caeli knights spar. "Come on, sis," said Eries and she dragged Millerna away.

I walked into the locker room then. Dryden was sitting on a bench poring over a sheet of paper. "How is it?" I asked.

  


"Your content is somewhat insightful. Your spelling is getting better. Your punctuation still stinks. Your penmanship is better than mine, which isn't much of a compliment actually. Rewrite with corrections and you'll get a B." He handed me back my essay, now covered with little red marks.

"Thanks," I said. "You got a date for the dance tonight?"

"Nope."

"You going to come anyway?" I asked.

"No, I think I'll just study tonight. Seeya later." He walked off, a contented little half-smile on his face, and I could tell his thoughts were with his future fiancee. Again. Eeew.

I smoothed my skirts and stared at myself in the mirror. _Hmm. Not the kind of dress I usually wear._ It was a hand-me-down from Marlene. It was short-sleeved, low-necked and a really, really girly pale lettuce green colour. It wasn't pink and what little lace it bore was not itchy, so I rather liked it.

I was going to twirl around again when someone out in the hall called, "Mail!" and slid an envelope under the door to our suite. I swooped on it, hoping it was from Marlene. It was! Marlene and I wrote to each other every week but she'd missed a week since she'd been too busy giving birth! I'd heard through the official channels that she and the child were fine, but she'd promised to send me a letter as soon as possible afterwards and with pictures, too! I tore it open excitedly and read through it. I looked at the pictures she had enclosed. I bit my lip and read through the letter again.

We three sisters have shared this suite of rooms for all our lives. When you've spent so much time with someone, they can't keep secrets even when they try. The odd phrase, the accumulation of snippets...

Marlene hadn't seemed to like Mahad very much at first although she sounded quite sweet on him now. It was odd that she'd gotten pregnant so quickly. I looked at the picture. It was odd that Chid was pale and blonde. It was odd how she asked after all my friends.... except Allen.

_The big empty space in this letter has an Allen-shaped outline._

No. It couldn't be.

It's almost seven o'clock. Those will be his footsteps I hear coming up the hall. I'm sure I'm imagining things. I'll clear things up; I'll ask him just how well he knew her...

_Bonk. Bonk. Bonk. Ugh. I think I'm going to be sick._

 

"Are you okay?" It was Dryden's voice.

"Fine," I said and bonked my head against the marble column again.

"Um..... If you say so." He grabbed my arm and steered me down the halls.

"You're acting like you don't believe me," I said.

"Hey, it's not my fault you're a crappy liar. What's going on?"

"Mind your own business. I can't tell you," I said as he pushed me into my room and shut the door behind us.

He gestured at the door to my very private room. "Why not?"

"Am I really a crappy liar?" I asked him desperately.

"Awful. Never play cards for money, Allen. You couldn't pull wool over the eyes of a sheep."

I wailed, "Oh, noooo..."

"Allen? Why would an honorable Caeli knight _want_ to lie about something anyway? Is this... something to do with Eries?"

I glared at him. "I wish you were a crappy guesser."

He smiled ruefully. "Sorry. Can't oblige you there."

"This is all my fault. I've ruined everything. I'm a terrible, awful person. I don't deserve to be a Caeli. Eries got a letter from Marlene today. She showed me a picture of the baby. Blue eyes. Blond hair. I mean, have you _seen_ the Duke of Freid?"

 "Oh, dear. I guess congratulations aren't really in order. Um..."

"And even worse, Eries knows. There was this _look_ on her face when she showed me the picture. I gave her some really lame excuse and ran out of there before I puked. What am going to do? Marlene told her!"

Dryden thought a bit and said, "It can't be. No. Whatever else she may be, Marlene is not a moron. Royal letters often get stolen, opened, peeked at and Marlene knows discretion. She never would have put that kind of information in a letter. Eries is just guessing."

"Suppose Marlene and Eries write letters in code like the military?"

He shook his head at me. "Do you think this is information that Marlene wants Eries to have?"

".....No. No, you're right. Eries _was_ just guessing. But now she knows for sure from my reaction! Now she knows she knows what kind of a guy I am. She knows I'm a-"

"-No, you're not. Allen, as a Caeli you _have_ to obey the royal family, right?"

"Yeah. So?" I said.

"So, Marlene took advantage of you. A superior asked for something and you couldn't say no. This is not your fault."

_What a stupid idea!_ "You think Eries is going to believe that? It's not like there was a sword at my neck!"

"Yeah, but still... I mean, my mom gave me one heck of a long talk about how I shouldn't go seducing the maids because a lot of them aren't in a position to say no. It's unethical. ...Practically rape."

I gaped at him. "I am _not_ going to tell Eries that her sister bore my child because Marlene raped me!"

"Why not? It's true. You _said_ it was all her idea. You didn't want to and you didn't like it either. You said so. Allen, you were all freaked out and depressed after that. For weeks!"

"Boys don't get raped by girls," I stated.

Dryden stared at me calmly. "Says who? Look, Eries suspects the child is yours, right? And the half-truth she suspects makes you look worse than the honest-to-god whole truth. Why _not_ tell her?"

 

"No! No, no, no, no! I was not raped. I am a Caeli knight! I liked Marlene, I like helping damsels in distress, and I... Eries will never forgive me."

"Sure she will. My family is filled with very understanding, forgiving women. Probably because the guys are all such jerks, but there you go." He shrugged.

"Eries won't believe me."

"Yeah, she will. You _are_ a crappy liar, after all."

_He's not taking me seriously._ "Aaaagh! What am I going to do?"

"Hellooo! Are you listening at all? Tell her the truth."

"Why?" I said.

"I don't think there are any lies that will fix something like this. Lies will just make it worse."

 _I don't understand him_... "And then what?"

"Maybe she'll forgive you."

"Do you think she will?"

"Well, _I_ would," he said.

"Well, I have to go tell her something..."

I asked Dryden to wait in my room for me. How I thought that would help, I'm not sure, but he said he would and I slunk back up to the Royal end of the palace.

Eries silently let me into her sitting room. She was still dressed in the fashionable spring green dress that I had never seen before. There were roses in her hair. She wore lipstick. But her face was stony. "Well?" she said.

I can't remember anymore which version of the truth I told her. It didn't make any difference anyway.

She drew one shaky breath.....and then I learned the difference between your basic distraught princess and Eries. Eries decided not to cry this time. She drew herself up and dropped her hands to her sides. "Leave me," she said.

"Please, Eries," I begged. "Please. It wasn't-"

She took a step back from me. "-You'll address me by my title. And you'll obey. Go."

I looked into her steely eyes and I bowed and left. Dryden was wrong.

There is an ornately decorated but battered book on my shelves. I walked into my room and found Dryden reading it. "Can you understand that book?" I asked.

"Almost. The code's easy, but I'd have to look up some Zaibach and Fanelian history to get the context. Your Dad was quite the traveller."

I snatched it out of his hand. He jumped. I screamed at him, "I didn't say you could read that! You nosy busybody! What is wrong with you?!"

He blinked at me. "You asked me to wait for you in your room. You had a book on your bookshelf the likes of which I'd never seen before. You _know_ me! What do you expect?"

"Would you have read my journal, too?"

"No, of course not, but that wasn't your diary," he said.

"Close enough!"

"What do you mean? It's nothing like that personal! It's coordinates and-"

"-I _don't_ want to know!" I yelled.

He stared at me. "...You can't read it."

"No! And don't tell me what's in there!"

"Ooookay. Um, look I didn't know it was gonna be a problem. Sorry I touched it. But since you're here and not out dancing, I'd bet you're actually upset about something else. Uh. Dare I ask? What happened?"

 _I hate you!_ "Tell her the truth, you said. She'll forgive you, you said. You know nothing. Nothing!"

"Uh-oh. Didn't go well, eh?"

"This is all your fault!" I yelled.

Dryden raised his eyebrow at me. "How do you figure _that_?"

 _Is he making fun of me?_ "I did what _you_ said!"

"Um....and that was ill-advised, was it?" He smiled at me ironically.

Rational sense dissolved in a red mist. I pounced on him and wrapped my hands around his neck. "I'm going to kill you!"

"Stop it. Let go." He didn't look frightened, which infuriated me even more. He could barely talk.

"No!" I hissed. _Wonderful! I'll never hear him speak again_.

"Last chance, Allen. I advise you to let go." His fingers gripped my arms painfully.

I ignored him and squeezed my fingers tighter around his neck. "You're dead."

He brought his knee up into my groin- hard. I fell to my knees clutching myself. Dryden staggered backwards and sat on my bed.

"You fight dirty, you asshole," I said through tears.

Dryden seemed surprised at that. "Did you actually think I'd just _let_ you strangle me?"

"I thought you'd said you were a pacifist."

"It's peaceful now, ain't it?" Dryden laughed, coughed and rubbed his throat. "Allen, you have to give these things time. Eries may yet-"

I straightened up despite the pain, grabbed the hilt of my sword, and tried to stand. Dryden's eyes widened; he leaped up and ran out the door. By the time I made it to the doorway, he was gone.

The next morning I saw Dryden in the hall with a legal folder in his hand. "Hey, buddy," he said and he grinned and gave me a jaunty wink.

I didn't say anything. I could see faint bruises on his neck. And I was outraged. _How can he still be so happy? What is **wrong** with him?_

I glared at him but he paid no attention. And then I saw him stop and stare at some little girl. Millerna. _Oh, no. No way._

And then I had an idea. _Let's see him wriggle out of this._

I slipped into the usual conference room Meiden used. Dryden's dad was there....

A few choice words to him and Meiden rushed out the room past me. I followed at a distance. I watched Meiden strike Dryden to the ground, scream a bit, and rush away. I watched Dryden pick himself up and run.

 _He doesn't look happy now._ _Ha!_ I turned to go, but stopped short.

Eries had been among the crowd in the hall. She had seen the whole thing. Her cold eyes stared into mine for a moment and then she grabbed her little sister's hand and pulled her into a crowd of little girls that skipped off in a squealing meander.

I stood there in the hall as random people walked around me unnoticing. Eventually I unfroze enough to walk away.

I can hear my parents discussing me in the other room. They know I'm out here, but they aren't even trying to keep their voices down.

And _holeee_ , the things they are saying.

I ought to go in there right now and argue my case, but I'm just too numb.

 _This can't be happening. I'm going to wake up from this any second now. I don't believe this._

Instincts aren't supposed to be understandable, I suppose, and when I went looking for Dryden that afternoon I didn't know why. I didn't know where he would be, either. Down at Meiden's office seemed unlikely. He wasn't in his dorms. I knocked and knocked and finally asked his floormates, who said he wasn't in there and had gone off. They looked at me suspiciously and lifted their lips at me and so I left quickly. Dryden wasn't in the refectory, no one had seen him. His library carrel was the last place to look and the obvious place for him to be.

The library was carpeted between the carrels; my boots made no noise. He was there. When Dryden saw me he dropped the towel he held to his cheek and ice chips skittered over the floor. He leaped backwards against the marble wall. He looked right and left, but he was blocked by carrels on all sides. "Fucking hell," he said.

The reason knights profess to hate such language is not because we are so refined and chivalrous; it's because we hear it so much on the battlefield from the poor sods we kill so easily. They are always saying 'oh, fuck' and 'dammit' as they die uselessly before us. That is- if they happen to have a moment to reflect before they die. It's so much easier to kill them cleanly with one blow, because if you don't and instead listen to them die, you end up... remembering them.

Dryden looked at me then, not at my face, but at my hands. I left them still at my sides. After a moment he decided I wasn't going to take a sword to him right then and there, and he sank back into his chair. "Go away, Allen," he said.

I didn't move; I just stood and stared. The whole side of his face was bruised in livid colours. He had a black eye coming up. I stared at him, too surprised to speak. Why the hell was I so shocked? I'd arranged for him to receive that blow. Hell, there were still faint fingermarks on his neck that _I'd_ put there.

I looked down at the ice melting all over the floor, then back at him. He didn't look at me, but he said, "Yeah. My dad was a boxing champion as a young man; he's still got a fist like lead weight."

"Uh...I..."

"I have to study, Allen; I'm taking my exams tomorrow. Go away."

 _No, no, no. It's not supposed to be like this._ "Exams aren't for three weeks," I said.

"That's true- for everybody else. _I'm_ taking them tomorrow."

"...Why?"

"Because the day after tomorrow I'm being sent away. Banished."

 _Because of what I_... "I- I'm sorry, Dryden," I said, but it was too late for that. Much too late.

He laughed bitterly. "You, my best friend, tried to kill me. My dad hit me for the first time _ever_ because he took your word over mine. He's cancelled my betrothal b-because now they think that I might _assault_ little girls! So much for my wedding to Mill-" His voice broke then. He looked up at me finally and then he turned his back to me and bent over his books and sobbed.

He cried like his heart was breaking. He cried the way I wanted to, but wasn't going to since I was a Caeli knight and Caeli knights don't do shit like that. He didn't cry decorously, the way princesses do with silver lines down their cheeks. He cried copiously, he dripped all over his books. He wailed. Very unCaeli.

 _Oh, boy. Sweet revenge, maybe not. They cancelled his betrothal. Look what I did to my friend. That was definitely my fault._ Even so, I wanted to put my arm around him to comfort him, but considering how weird things got in my head whenever I tried things like that I decided not to. _Oh, but that one time he'd kissed me had been so sweet! Doesn't he look like he could do with a kiss right now? Aaaaaagh! No! Caeli knights don't do shit like that._ I backed away, but I couldn't bring myself to just leave him.

I crept around and sat in the carrel on the other side of his. The library echoed around us; no one studies on a Friday night, we were alone. I couldn't see him, he couldn't see me, but I could hear everything. _Oh, sheesh! He must have really wanted to marry that little girl._... _Pervert._... _Would I sound like this if I mourned Eries's loss?_

 _He's being sent away. This is my fault. I didn't want that obnoxious little girl to have him. Is that it? I like him too much_...

 _Like a friend? Yes, surely. Or a brother? Yes. I remember how I loved my sister. Yes. Or_... _well_... _oh, shit. I didn't love Marlene. I don't know what that was. I barely knew her. Eries, I know I love her. And I feel the same way about_... _Dryden. Oh, shit. I just swing all over the place. I have no idea. Surely if any of this was really love, it wouldn't all fall to crap like this. How can I possibly love Dryden and Eries in the same way? And they both hate me right now, so what's the point?_

Dryden's sobs eventually slowed and he was quiet. "Oh, goddammit!" he said then and he sighed heavily and sniffed. He made a noise that was clearly him wiping his nose on his sleeve. How uncouth. _I love him._ And then he slammed a book back into his carrel's shelf. I jumped, and then I think he picked out another book.

"Thank god, I like to read ahead," he said to quietly to himself. "Okay. I can do this. No problem." Another sigh, more like a plain old deep breath this time, and then there was only the sound of him breathing and flipping pages and every now and then the occasional skritch of his pen.

Twenty minutes later the sun set and I stole away under the sound cover of the vespering bells with my heart pinching me at every step like a pair of badly made and brand new shoes.


	8. Que sera, sera

 

_There is little to choose_  
 _Between the pen and the sword._  
 _Too often both write in blood._  
 _~Diane Duane_

My dormitory housed half geeky university students and half soldiers taking specialized military training. It was an interesting and occasionally volatile mix, but, despite our differences, a certain camaraderie had arisen between all us guys living together. And since I was at least 2 or 3 years younger than most of them they all treated me like a younger brother or something. And they didn't usually gossip much, so half of them didn't realize I was Meiden Fassa's son. But they all knew something had happened to me. I'd caught concerned glances flung my way whenever I'd ventured out of my room the previous evening. So I got up half an hour early, so I could miss the bathroom rush.

Someone was there already though, vivisecting geese in the shower. Or, rather, singing. "Hi, Gadeth," I said.

"How did you know it was me?" he called.

"Oh, believe me, I knew." His singing voice is unmistakable. And his complete lack of pitch...

I tried to brush my teeth, but discovered two were loose and my gums bled when poked. I could look forward to a nice blood- flavored breakfast. Yuck.

Morning has broken. Yeah. No shit. I touched my cheek. "Ow!"

Gadeth was standing behind me with a towel wrapped around him. He met my gaze in the mirror. "You look terrible."

"You should see the other guy," I said, which was pure unadulterated bullshit. I mean bravado. Whatever.

"Ya-huh. You tried cold compresses?"

"Yeah, I did. That's why I don't have two black eyes." I swiped at the fogged mirror.

It's hard to tell, but I think my eye is even blacker than yesterday. Well, damn. My cheek is definitely green. And purple. Yellow in there, too. Sheesh! Is there actually a giant handprint on my face? Wonder if that means that if he'd hit me with his fist that he'd have broken my jaw. Hmmm. I rather think Dad's earned himself a practical joke. Maybe I'll have Tansy mail him a dead squirrel from Basram. Giftwrapped for sure.

"Um, Dryden, do you need any help with the snotty little Caeli or... uh, whoever did this to you?"

"It wasn't Allen," I said. Which was true. And like I'm going to tell this yahoo to go beat up my dad for me. As if. "It's all under control," I said. Well, it is. Just not mine.

Gadeth didn't look convinced. "Uh-huh."

"Thanks, though."

"Sure, kid. ...I hope you feel better than you look."

"Yeah. Yeah, I feel okay. I feel grand!"

"Well, take it easy today. Stay out of trouble," he said.

"No. Today I'm kicking some ass."

Gadeth takes his Resident Advisor responsibilities seriously. "Greeeeeeeattt," he said and leaned against the sink, clearly intending to talk some sense into me.

I cut him off before he could start. "Ha! Not bravado here! I am going to ace these exams! As an emperor knows each member of his harem thoroughly, completely and with no mercy, so shall I make my way through the cute little exams they'll set before me today. I'll take it all on and like it!"

Gadeth bit his lip trying not to smile. "Oh. Have fun."

I made faces at the mirror. "You damn betcha. Grrrrrr!"

Gadeth gave it up and laughed openly at me.

"You shut up. Bet you a billion dollars your psyche-up is equally stupid."

He grinned. "True." Gadeth clapped me on the shoulder and left me to it. I finished getting ready and started my exam day from hell with the thought of my entire dorm beating up Allen. A pleasant fantasy. I think it helped.

 

I answered the knock at my door to see Dryden. I let him in. With no preamble he said, "Eries. ...Princess. I am going to ask your father for Millerna's hand today and I wondered if you might put in a good word for me. I know you sit in on the Council sometimes and that the King has been known to listen to you."

I looked aghast at the vivid bruise that marked his face. "You expect to ask for Millerna looking like that?"

He clenched his jaw. "I don't have a choice. I leave tomorrow. My father ordered me to present myself to the King today. He made me an appointment for later this evening."

"Aston won't take you seriously if you look like that! ...I can fix it for you."

Dryden raised his eyebrows. "You can? How?"

I pulled my friend further into the room and sat him down at the vanity in front of the mirror.

I seized his chin to turn the unbruised side of his face into the sunlight so I could begin to analyze how to mix the colours, and then I let go of him as though burned. I looked at the few, small and certainly brand new hairs on his chin that had surprised my thumb. Girls mature faster, and although we are the same age, and even though he's always been taller than me, I've always thought of him as just a boy. Seems he's catching up. He looked up at me with puzzled eyes.

He has no idea. I'll let him discover that on his own...

I smiled at him. "Shut your eyes," I told him. He did. I reached out again and turned him into the light. His face, usually lit by an incandescent grin, was now serious, but not worried. He trusts me. He has his father's colouring, his mother's elegant features, both his families' shrewd intelligence and his own playful humour. Yes. He would match Millerna well.

Was this how it was when Aston chose Mahad for Marlene? Perhaps I begin to understand that a little. Nothing but the best for my little sister. I'm going to make him look like he's never been touched at all.

I chose some of Marlene's leftover foundation and judiciously knifed tiny bits of burnt sienna, umber and ochre into it. I stirred, held it up to his skin, added more colour... There. That's it. Gods, I'm good.

I grabbed his chin again and started working my mixture over his cheek. He fidgeted in my grasp. "Almost done?" he asked.

I'd not even started. "No! Hold still. Stop flinching."

 

"I'm trying! It hurts." And, indeed, whenever my brush pressed hard into his skin, tears rose unbidden in his eyes and spilled over. At this rate any colour I applied would quickly be washed away.

"How about we numb you with ice and then try it?" I suggested.

"Great plan. Numb sounds good. Man, where did you learn to be a make-up artist?" he asked, watching me as I scrabbled in the ice bucket.

"Oh, you'd be surprised what us princesses pick up. Shocked, probably." I handed him a cold, damp, ice-filled towel. "Or maybe not. Your dad sure can hit hard."

Dryden looked up, embarrassed. "Oh. You saw that?"

"Yeah, I was there," I said.

He was silent then. I stirred my palette knife around in the little pot and didn't speak either. A few minutes later Dryden lowered the towel and I began to paint again. I brushed a finish top coat of translucent powder over the paint and called him done.

Dryden looked into the mirror, amazed. "Can all women do this with makeup? Wow, Eries! You've cured me! How did you learn how to do this?"

I looked over his shoulder and met his reflected gaze. "So often in this world we learn what we have to learn."

And Dryden, master of languages within languages, read right through me. He's far too brilliant for his own good. "Eries. Does... Aston beat you?" he asked, horrified and sure of the answer.

"He used to," I said, "Not anymore. I've become very violent I'm afraid."

"Oh, Eries! I can't believe your father would- I'll get you out of here- or, or I'll tell Allen- or my father-"

"-No!" I insisted.

Dryden looked truculent, determined and not the least bit obedient. Oi. I would have to explain.

"Look, you know- everyone knows that I'm not really Aston's daughter. I'm my mother's bastard, her accidental lovechild. Her influence and power was security enough to make me heir even after her death, but safety is harder to buy. Aston hated me, but there are... measures my mother set up that made it difficult to get rid of me. Aston's always hoped to marry me to a foreign king, and so leave Millerna, his favorite, as heir."

"My first kiss was given to me by Folken Lacour de Fanel. I was twelve. My father arranged our betrothal and a month before Folken arrived to meet me, Aston stopped beating me so I'd be unmarked.  
.......I was not to tell Folken and I never did; he figured it out himself, like you. His presence wouldn't rescue me for long, he'd have to leave eventually. So he armed me. He was kind and gentle and a warrior, although the sword was not his best weapon. He was best at hand to hand combat and in six weeks he showed me a large portion of what he knew.  
.......And then ...well, never again could Aston lay a hand on me without a great deal of effort and some bruises of his own into the bargain. Folken changed me from a kitten to a lioness. And the older and stronger I got, the more impossible it became. Aston can't touch me now. So don't worry about me. I'm fine!"

"And Folken?" He must know this story; why is he asking me?

My insides twisted, but still, I answered him. "He wrote to me. He told me about the Fanelian palace where I would live and Fanelian wedding rituals... I was so happy. So very happy. Then a dragon ate him." I laughed, the story was so very ridiculous. "You know, they never believed in my mourning. I was 12, I'd only known him for a few months, no one believed that a child could feel widowed. They told me to quit crying and stop acting silly. I did stop crying, I suppose. I still honour Folken's memory. It was nice while it lasted..."

"Oh! Oh, Eries!" he said. Dryden's voice broke and I looked up in sudden anger.

"I am not some damsel in distress who needs to be rescued. I rescued myself. Don't you dare pity me!"

He backed up a step, palms raised. "Sorry, Eries. Right. Lioness. Got it."

I ran my hand over my face and when my breathing had slowed I said, "Dryden, will you do me a favor?"

"Anything, Eries," he said seriously.

"What do you think of Allen?"

Dryden shook his head. "You're asking the wrong guy."

"No. I'm not. What do you think of him?"

Dryden sighed. "He's an idiot. Good heart, but he doesn't know it."

"He doesn't know he's got a good heart?"

"Not what I mean. He doesn't know his heart. Can't get anywhere in this world unless you know what you want. He doesn't know," said Dryden.

Oh. Yes. I knew that.

Dryden bit his lip. "You want Allen, don't you."

"He's a boy. I want a man," I said simply.

Dryden smirked. "It'll take quite a man to equal you, Eries."

I glared. "I'm aware of that. I can wait."

"...Do you love him?" he asked softly.

I looked away. "I had thought... I had thought I would never love again. But the heart is more resilient than that. Or it could just be that I'm a fool."

"Same thing perhaps," he said and I would have been offended were it not for the foolish and completely understanding grin he said it with. "...Time for me to go, Eries."

I looked at him critically. "Why aren't you wearing a tie?"

He blinked. "I don't own a tie."

"Well, you can't go like that." I fumbled at my neck and then grabbed him. "Hold still, will you. Do you mind?"

"Oh, not at all. There's been a sudden rash of people trying to strangle me and I'm getting rather used to it." When I let him go, he looked in the mirror at how I'd pinned his collar closed. "Your brooch. But won't Aston notice?"

"No, he won't. He doesn't tend to observe those kinds of details. It was my mother's; it's always held a bit of a charm where the King is concerned. He won't know why, but he'll listen to you. Return it to me tomorrow at the dock."

And then I tucked the leftover pot of foundation colour, a folded paper of the topcoat powder, and two small brushes into his pocket. "For tomorrow. So your looks don't upset your mother."

"Thank you! Well, if my father, and you-" He grinned at me. "-do manage to finagle my betrothal to Millerna then I will be your brother-in-law. Are you sure there is no service I may render to my sister before I go?"

"No. But send me a postcard every now and then, if you travel somewhere interesting."

"A postcard?" he asked, surprised.

"With cool stamps."

He giggled at this discovery about me. "You little philatelist, you. I will. So, um..." I watched him awkwardly shuffle his feet and look over at the door to Millerna's suite.

"No," I said.

"You don't even-"

"-No, you may not kiss Millerna good-bye," I said.

"Well, damn!" he said.

"Don't annoy her with love letters, either. She shall grow up ignorant of the burdens of an arranged marriage. Innocent and free." She will not be another Marlene, growing up obedient, all dreams squashed.

Dryden smiled. "A right proper bodyguard you'll be to her, eh?"

"Indeed. A lioness. I'll keep her safe for your return." I waved him to the door. "Don't let the dragons eat you on the way out."

"Oh, well," he sighed. "I'll say goodbye to you at least, sister." He grabbed me in a quick embrace, kissed me on the cheek and was out the door, leaving me laughing at his daring. Millerna will love you.

I locked the door and went back to the vanity and mirror, the cosmetics and paints, the detritus and reflections of three beautiful princesses.

My eyes are blue under the sky and green over the ground and colorless inside these marble walls. I stared into the silver mirrors of my eyes. Somewhere in here there is something more than just the reflection of other people's wishes. The problem is, once one acknowledges one's own true heart, one still has to do the work of following it. Time for action. Oh, boy.

I removed the paint that has covered both my bruises and my blushes. I took off the diadem hanging over my forehead. Goodbye Crown Princess. I smiled. I wonder, what will I find now?

 I found Millerna in her room with most of her hair gone. "What happened to you?" I shrieked.

"I cut my hair," she said.

"Yourself?"

"Yes. You like it?"

I inspected her handiwork. "Er...Well. It's certainly quite even all around. You've got a very steady hand. Um... Why'd you do it?"

"I wanted to play Caeli knight," she said. When brushed, her hair was too wavy to exactly imitate Allen, but it was close. Oh, dear...

"Oh. I thought you wanted to be a doctor."

"I do! I'm gonna be a doctor and a Caeli knight. And a ballerina. And a queen. And a mother of seven."

"Good heavens! All that?"

"Yes! And a princess. And a fireman!" she informed me. Millerna may look exactly like Marlene, but she's entirely different.

And she seemed to be waiting for my opinion. "Well, that's just nifty, Millerna," I said.

"What do you want to be, Eries?"

How often is it perfectly safe to speak one's secret dreams aloud? It burst out of me. "I want to be a ninja spy! A huge ring of informants will report back to me and I'll go on secret missions! No one will ever suspect me because I'm a princess!"

Millerna was delighted with that fantasy. "Nifty!" she said.

I laughed. "All right then. Shall we go down to dinner?"

"Yay! It's a roast. Can I dissect- I mean, can I carve it?"

"Um ...sure."

She's a very odd little girl, enthusiastic and ambitious. ...No wonder Dryden likes her.

I was assigned to guard the Princesses when they went down to the docks to watch the ships leave. Once there, the dock was secure and private and Eries requested that I hold by the gate. I watched Eries as she left Millerna momentarily in the care of a nurse while she had a word with Dryden. Then she went back to escort Millerna round to look at the ship.

I stood by the gate and watched Dryden's parents let him go. I watched Dryden's mother cry and clutch at her son. Meiden fidgeted guiltily and dropped a book and what was probably a bag of gold into the pockets of Dryden's voluminous coat. I watched them both kiss him again and I looked away. I'm just here to guard the Princesses. Any assassins, yet? Please?

Dryden's Dad's ugly hat hides a bald spot that hopefully Dryden will inherit. Fucking bastard. Hope he bites it. And then Dryden walked over to speak to me. Damn.

"Hey, buddy! Guess what! I aced all my exams!" he said. The vivid bruises on his face -strangely- had all but disappeared and he was smiling and cocky as usual. Only Dryden could pull off making the shadow of a black eye look jaunty. _I hate you._

"Why are you talking to me? I'm only here because I'm on duty." And shadowing Royals as bodyguard is now a torture of a duty...

Dryden ignored that. "Here," he said and held out an envelope to me. I didn't take it. He blathered on. "And my betrothal might still be on! I still have to go travel for a bit, but eventually, maybe... Well, you never know. So, no hard feelings, eh?"

What is he playing at? "I got you banished."

"Aw, c'mon. You know I'll come back. Maybe I'll get stupidly rich and even more handsome and Millerna will run into my arms!" He winked at me.

I stared at him, unbelieving. "You, sir, are an utter prat."

"Yeah, yeah. You gonna take this or what?" He tried to press the envelope into my hand. I snatched it from him, tore it to bits and let the wind take them. Dryden watched the pieces fly away. "You don't even want to know what that was?" he asked.

"No!"

"It was the code for your Dad's log," he said.

"I don't care!"

He looked a little disappointed at that. "Right. Well. Try not to miss me too much, buddy. Hopefully I won't get killed and you can ask me for the code some other time. See ya."

"Don't write," I said and he... flinched. Somehow, I could tell, he found that to be the last straw. Our friendship was over.

"Fine," he said. "I won't." He turned and walked away.

It was a relief when they finally finished loading the ship and I could escape my weeping mother. My face hurt from the steadfast cheerful smile that I'd held all morning. I clung grimly to the rail on the far side of the ship so I could watch the diminishing city and not have to wave endlessly and pathetically to my people down below.

The ship fled the city and I looked out at the patterned green squares of farms and fields, silver rivers, lakes... and my heart soared.

A rat man perched on a step next to me said, "Nice view, huh."

"Yeah," I said, surprised. "This does not suck. Not even a little bit."

The rat man gave me an odd look. "Who said it was gonna?"

"No one... All right!" I laughed and detached my hands from the rail. We're up so high, but I am not afraid. Excellent! I looked at the rat man again. "So, where's the food?"

He grinned toothily and led the way. "Galley's over here."

 

_Que sera, sera,_  
 _Whatever will be, will be._  
 _My true, sky blue, heavenly._  
 _Baby, stay away from me._  
 _Que sera, sera._

_Que sera, sera,_  
 _Don't you dare to promise me._  
 _Just seize needed liberty._  
 _The future's not ours to see._  
 _Que sera, sera._

_Que sera, sera,_  
 _Is mercy delivery?_  
 _Idle curiosity?_  
 _I think you're too green for me._  
 _Que sera, sera._

_Que sera, sera,_  
 _Whatever you will be, baby,_  
 _It's forged serendipity._  
 _The eye may become the we._  
 _Que sera, sera._

_Que sera, sera,_  
 _Whatever will be, will be._

 

 

 

_My other Escaflowne story,[Four Minutes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/516319/chapters/911379), picks up more or less right here. Now's your chance to read it again if you'd like, but paying more attention to the interactions between Allen and Dryden. Heh heh. I've not changed a thing, but now that we know Allen better, their interactions feel rather different. A kiss, you know, is just a kiss..._


End file.
